DARVO is a relatively recent term. Jennifer Freyd, a researcher at the University of Oregon, first started using the term in 1997 to describe a pattern of emotional abuse that often presents in relationship involving domestic violence. DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender, and it is prevalent, not only in intimate partner violence and abuse, but can also be found in institutional violence. Today we will discuss the use of DARVO as it relates to domestic violence and coercive control, and in a future post, I will address how DARVO is often inadvertently implemented in “the system”… re-traumatizing victims.
The most recent study on DARVO that I found, studied the tendency of victims of DARVO to blame themselves, when the tactic was used against them. Apparently, DARVO is quite effective at creating confusion, guilt and shame for the victim. This serves perpetrators well, creating an environment where the people around the parties also tend to blame the victim as well.
So, how does DARVO work? DARVO is a tactical response, used to manipulate the victim out of holding the perpetrator accountable for their negative behavior.
For example, let’s say that you are in an intimate relationship, and you have an agreement about chores and how they will be divided between you. You will be the one responsible for doing the laundry, and your partner will be responsible for the evening cooking.
This arrangement works well for the first few weeks, but, as time goes on, your partner begins to drop the ball on dinner. It starts off slowly, as he brings home take-out one night, instead of making a home cooked meal as you had agreed. This is a minor violation, you think, and probably not worth starting an argument over. Phrases like “don’t sweat the small stuff” reverberate through mind as you contemplate whether or not to mention this minor infraction. You are somewhat bothered by your partner’s lack of consideration for the fact that you had discussed saving money and eating healthier as goals that were important to you, but you decide, for the time being, to hold off on confronting him. You don’t want to seem like a nag, and you can see how you might find yourself needing to make a small adjustment to your laundry duty at some point, and don’t want to feel pressured to do things “perfectly”.
But take-out dinners appear more and more often, and soon, he is forgetting to bring dinner home at all. So you decide to confront him. This is when he uses the tactic of DARVO to avoid accountability. When you remind him of your agreement that he make home-cooked meals each night, he denies having agreed to “any such thing”. You are confused. You remind him of the long conversation you had, where the two of you discussed healthier eating and saving money by eating home every night. He looks at you blankly. You are getting frustrated by his lack of recollection, especially since the discussion had been really important to you.
You try to no avail to get him remember the conversation, but he turns on you. He verbally attacks you. He accuses you of being “crazy” and “inventing conversations” to “make him look bad”. He goes on and on about the fact that he has been “generously” spending his own money to buy you both dinner, and that you are “ungrateful” and “controlling”. Why do you feel the need to “micromanage” him, he demands to know.
What?, you think! Oh no… am I being controlling? I don’t want to be controlling. He DID pay for the food, so I can’t really complain that I am not able to save money, like I had hoped. Am I ungrateful? Your head spins as you try to unravel the cognitive dissonance this conversation is creating!
This is DARVO at its finest! This is emotional abuse, verbal abuse, gaslighting, crazy-making, and psychological abuse, all rolled into one. This is coercive control. DARVO is one of the most commonly used tactics in coercive control, and it can be absolutely disabling, if you don’t recognize it and respond appropriately. And, most people don’t.
The study published in 2017 found that 50% of victims of DARVO felt “angry” during the confrontation, but many didn’t understand why. That is no surprise when you consider why DARVO is being utilized. Victims of DARVO feel like there is something profoundly unfair about what is happening to them, because there IS! The perpetrator of DARVO is intentionally manipulating the facts, in order to avoid accountability for their actions. But… they are doing so in such an underhanded and covert manner, that it’s hard to see what they are doing.
This makes DARVO not only quite effective but also very dangerous for the victim. And, when I say very dangerous, I am not kidding. DARVO can be lethal. Over time, having this tactic used against you can cause you to feel like you are losing your mind. It can cause nervous breakdowns, chronic pain, substance abuse, severe health problems like heart attacks and cancer, even PTSD, CPTSD, suicidal ideation or death.
Over time, both the victim and the perpetrator can end up adapting slowly to this pattern of abuse, making it more and more lethal over time. Both partners can come to believe that it is the victim’s fault that the perpetrator is behaving badly. This makes it harder for the victim to protect themselves and easier for the perpetrator to justify more aggressive retaliation over time.
We have an excellent example of DARVO happening right now in the United States with the impeachment of Donald Trump. President Trump has convinced many people that he is the victim of a “hoax” a “witch hunt” or a “lynching”. Inflammatory words like these evoke strong emotions in people and tend to reduce their ability to focus on the facts of the case. It is pretty amazing what Mr. Trump has been able to get away with utilizing DARVO on the American people.
If you recognize DARVO in your relationship, you need to consider finding a safe way to escape. I don’t recommend trying to leave on your own without advice from domestic violence professionals. The more engrained this pattern is with your abuser, the higher the likelihood that severe physical violence could be the result if you try to leave. Leaving a perpetrator of coercive control is the most dangerous time for a victim, so you don’t want to play that card until you have a plan to keep yourself (and kids if you have them) safe.
Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support @ 1-800-799-7233.
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