Have you heard the term victim blaming? You probably have, but let's talk about it anyway, because you may not be aware of one of the more subtle versions of victim blaming and the ways that victims can be additionally harmed by this gaslighting method.
Victim blaming occurs when a negative, harmful behavior or crime is blamed on the person who was victimized rather than the person who perpetrated the harm. Victim blaming, although common, becomes absurd if you rationally think about it.
Let's take for example a bank robber has robbed a bank, and police are questioning the bank manager. If police choose to victim blame, in this example, they might say to the bank manager something like "Why did you tempt this man by keeping so much money here?" Or, how about a case involving a hit and run. Should police ask the person crossing the street "Why didn't you jump out of the way of that oncoming car that drove up onto the sidewalk?" or "Why were you walking down the street at this hour?"
Absurd, right?
But, when it comes to crimes that are often gender-based, like domestic violence, sexual assault and coercive control (not that they are always gender specific, but they are predominantly crimes against women and girls) that is exactly what police, attorneys, judges and society frequently do, they blame the victim. They ask "well, what were you wearing?" (sub-text: that caused him to rape you). Or, "Isn't it true that you just hate all men? (sub-text: causing you to misread the situation).
Rape, sexual assault, domestic violence, domestic abuse, coercive control etc. are no more caused by the victim than other crimes are. This is a harmful and dangerous myth that protects coercive controllers and further traumatizes victims. It is rooted in patriarchy and misogyny, and it needs to stop.
Furthermore, victim blaming is at the heart of the pattern of coercive control, making it one of the coercive controller's greatest weapons. Victim blaming is also foundational to the coercive and controlling strategy of DARVO, where the coercive controller will deny their own bad behavior, attack their victim, (often using irrelevant and/or completely false allegations), and reverse the roles victim and offender in order to gain, maintain and/or increase control over their victim. Victim blaming is what enables coercive controllers to continue to harm their victims without being held accountable.
In coercive controlling "relationships" victim blaming often starts subtly and gradually, becoming more frequent over time, to keep the victim from realizing that the coercive controller is harming them, usually on purpose. Victims are taught through repetition to question their own reality and take responsibility for the coercive controller's actions. For example, if the victim discovers their spouse has been cheating on them and confronts the coercive controller, he/she is likely to turn the tables by questioning the targeted victim's loyalty. "Don't you trust me? Why don't you trust me? How do you expect us to have a strong healthy relationship if you don't trust me?" This strategy causes the victim to blame themselves and look inside to try and fix a problem that can only be fixed by the person responsible, the coercive controller.
Over time this constant victim blaming can erode the victim's entire sense of self and reality, trapping them in PsychoSocial Quicksand™. Many victims of this type of gaslighting become anxious, depressed, and even suicidal. Some even develop full blow Complex Post Traumatic Stress, which can be debilitating.
If there is a single strategy that frequently allows coercive controllers to continue their harmful behavior unimpeded, it is victim blaming. And it is imperative that we remove victim blaming from our communities, groups, religious organizations and systems if we ever hope to reduce domestic abuse and coercive control.
There are two types of victim blaming: overt victim blaming and covert victim blaming. Over victim blaming looks like telling a rape victim she was raped because she was wearing a short skirt, or drunk, or walking in a dark alleyway. Covert victim blaming is more subtle. One place I commonly find victim blaming that is covert is in a therapeutic or self-help setting, where victims are led to believe that they can prevent their own victimization in some way. They can somehow heal their own shame and childhood wounds, and that by doing so, they will be impenetrable. They will be invulnerable. They will be unstoppable! And they will never be targeted by a coercive controller ever again!
This is a very alluring concept for someone who has been victimized. It was for me. I bought into this "unstoppable" and "invulnerable" belief for decades. I worked and worked and worked on myself and my trauma. I read so many self-help books and attended so many personal development programs that it "transformed" my thinking and pretty much overtook my life. I believed the therapists, gurus, self-help authors and motivational speakers who claimed I would be safe if only I worked on my boundaries, my co-dependence "issues", and my SELF. But guess what? This approach didn't work. Did it make me more successful? Yes, in many ways it did. Did it make me more disciplined and persistent? Yes, it did. Did I gain muscle and lose fat? Yep! Did I learn how to defend myself against an attacker using karate. I did! This approach had many positive benefits. But did it prevent me from being victimized? It absolutely DID NOT!
And I am going to tell you why. Because I was not the problem. And if you have been victimized, You are not the problem either!
Did I have weaknesses and flaws that needed work? Of course I did. I still do. But working on my weaknesses was not the cure for stopping a coercive controller from harming me. Coercive controllers, abusers etc. are 100% responsible for the abuse! Period! Has therapy and self-help study helped me in other ways? Yes, it has. I have become more compassionate with myself and with others. I have improved my focus and prioritized my values. I have learned to be less hard on myself... something that reading every personal development book under the sun had actually made worse. Did it help me to respond more effectively in situations where I was being harmed? Absolutely! But it did not do what it could not do. It did NOT make the abuser stop abusing. It did not prevent me from being targeted by a coercive controller.
This idea that we "attract" things into our lives is only partially true. Yes, being grateful will help us better recognize the things in our lives to be grateful for. Being loving will often attract more love into our lives. This happens for many reasons, one of which is that we have shifted our focus, and see love and gratitude more easily... a kind of placebo affect. The positive benefits of this stuff can be great! It's wonderful to learn that we can shift how we perceive a situation in order to see the positive rather than the negative aspects of it. This shift in perception can make us live happier and more fulfilled lives. But it can also do something else...
It can make us even MORE vulnerable to coercive controllers. How does it do that? The same way a coercive controller uses DARVO as a smokescreen to avoid accountability, intense focus on personal development concepts causes us to look inward and take responsibility for everything we are "attracting" into our lives. This creates a hole in our boundaries big enough to drive a coercively controlling truck through! The "law of attraction", when taken to the extreme, obscures harmful and dangerous behaviors by other people toward us.
NXIVM and Landmark Education Corporation, for instance, teach a concept called "at cause". This is essentially the same idea as the law of attraction... that we create our lives, and that we are 100% responsible for whatever shows up. This concept, strongly internalized by intelligent, successful and powerful women in NXIVM was precisely what allowed Keith Raniere to exploit those women for his own sexual gratification and personal gain. Not only did he deeply harm them using this concept as a trap, but he even made some of them believe that the horrific abuse was an "honor" and a "privilege". You can bet they don't feel that way now that they know the truth! Coercive controllers deceive, and victim blaming makes deception much easier.
It is true that some people are more vulnerable than others to coercive controllers. But it is NOT true that some people are not vulnerable at all. Human beings are vulnerable due to our normal human psychology and basic biological and physiological needs. Coercive controllers exploit our humanity, they exploit our need for connection, for love, for accomplishment, for stability. Coercive controllers exploit whatever they can to keep us compliant and under their control.
I understand the need to believe in a secret weapon that will protect you from abusers, but I am sorry to say that this does not exist. Not in the real world. There is always something a savvy coercive controller can use to torture and terrorize you. If you think I am wrong, let me ask you this. Do you love your children? If a coercive controller were using the threat of harm, or even death, of your children against you, would you be invulnerable? OK, so maybe you don't have kids... what about your friends, your parents, your significant other? What if the coercive controller were threatening their lives? What if they were demanding something from you... or else!?!?! This ambiguous threat can be really terrifying. I assure you that there is something in your life that the loss of that thing could terrify you... potentially terrify you enough that you might comply with something you would never even consider under other circumstances.
Coercive controllers are terrorists! They may use more subtle or covert means than by holding a gun to your head, but if a coercive controller targets you, therapy won't protect you... not completely. It may help you deal with the aftermath. It may help you develop healthier coping skills and ways of relating to the abuse, but it cannot stop the abuser. Setting boundaries and working to be less co-dependent may make other areas of your life better, but setting boundaries with a coercive controller will only piss them off! Coercive controllers hate boundaries. They hate acts of resistance. They want you to be who they want you to be, and you will not be permitted to be who you really are around them, not without severe punishment.
The internet is full of coaches, therapists, counselors etc. claiming that they can heal the parts of you that "attracted" the abuser in the first place. Some of them are teaching things that are very helpful. Most of them are genuine in their desire to help. But some of them are predators, coercive controllers exploiting the victim blaming myths in order to exploit victims for their time, money, admiration, etc. Keith Raniere is one such predator. He is serving 120 years in prison. His followers believed their lives were improving and that they would positively impact the world. They weren't vulnerable because they were stupid or naive. They were vulnerable because they are human. Just like YOU!
Therapy and working on yourself are useful and valuable, but as long as you are human, you are like the bank manager with a bank full of money. You may be able to slow down the bank robber or set alarms to catch him, but only the bank robber can stop bank robbing, by deciding they will no longer rob banks.
Coercive control tactics are incredibly effective! The only sure fire way to protect ourselves is to detect, prevent and intervene when we see coercive control. We need to band together. We need to implement #SystemicTransformation where victim blaming is no longer permitted and coercive controllers are held 100% responsible for their behaviors.
We may not be able to prevent 100% of the harm, but the faster we can escape the PsychoSocial Quicksand™ of coercive control, and assist others to escape it, the less damage it can cause.
