Debunking the Myth of Mutual Abuse
In the complex world of interpersonal relationships, one unfounded myth continues to persist – the myth of mutual abuse. This notion, which proposes that both parties in a relationship engage in consistent, reciprocal abuse, is not only ill-defined but can also be dangerously misleading. Let's delve into the reasons why this is a dangerous misconception and explore a more effective framework for understanding abusive dynamics: coercive control, utilizing The Quicksand Model®.
The Myth of Mutual Abuse
The myth of mutual abuse is often born out of misunderstandings about the nature of abusive and coercively controlling relationships. It suggests that both individuals involved are equally to blame for the violence or mistreatment, which can mask the power imbalances that frequently characterize abusive situations.
The primary issue with the mutual abuse concept is that it assumes an equal distribution of power and responsibility. It implies that both parties have an equal ability to harm the other and to stop the abuse and violence, which is rarely (if ever) the case in coercively controlling relationships.
Understanding Coercive Control
Coercive control provides a more accurate and nuanced framework for understanding abusive dynamics. This concept, developed by Evan Stark, describes a pattern of behavior by which coercive controllers seek to gain and maintain control over their targeted victims through threats, humiliation, manipulation etc.
Coercive control goes beyond physical violence and often includes emotional, psychological, sexual and financial abuse. It involves a pattern of domination that can infiltrate every aspect of a target's life, severely limiting their freedom and autonomy.
In the complex dynamic of coercive control, the coercive controller's actions are always aimed at domination, while the target's responses are primarily self-protective measures or attempts to minimize harm, what The Quicksand Model® (and the Safe & Together Institute) refer to as #ActsOfResistance. To an outside observer, particularly one unfamiliar with the context of coercive control, the actions of both parties may seem equally abusive. However, a deeper understanding reveals a stark contrast: the coercive controller is intentionally entrapping and exploiting the target. Within this context, it becomes clear that the onus of the inflicted harm rests entirely on the coercive controller, debunking the myth of mutual abuse and highlighting the insidious nature of coercive control.
The Quicksand Model®
The Quicksand Model® is a powerful metaphor for understanding the dynamics of coercive control. Like quicksand, an abusive coercive controller can draw targets in slowly and subtly. The more they struggle to escape, the deeper they're pulled in.
The Quicksand Model® challenges traditional understandings of domestic abuse by offering a nuanced perspective on the tactics of coercion and control. This model, unlike others that depict abuse as a linear process or a repeating cycle, asserts that coercive control is an ongoing assault starting from day one - a phrase coined by our recently departed colleague Andrew Cicchetti.
Coercive controllers employ a variety of tactics, known as 'The E's,' to establish dominance, oppress their targets, and prevent escape. These tactics (The E's / Goals of Coercive Control) are strategic and flexible, applied from the outset of the relationship or group involvement and continuing even post-separation. Intriguingly, some tactics may masquerade as acts of kindness or love, such as manipulative kindness. However, these are not genuine expressions of affection but meticulously designed strategies to camouflage the coercive controller's efforts to maintain power, thus making them invisible in plain sight.
Ensnare
The coercive controller uses methods such as future faking, mirroring, and manipulative kindness (also known as love bombing) to create an illusion, or #TheMirage. This is not a stage, but a tactic that can be used at any point to keep the targeted victim off balance and seeing the coercive controller in a falsely positive light.
Entrap
Entrapment is another tactic where the coercive controller subtly establishes malignant control. They may isolate the victim from their support network, gradually assert control over their life decisions, or create an environment of dependence. This can be used whenever the controller feels the need to strengthen their hold on the target.
Exploit
Exploitation is a tactic where the coercive controller uses the established control for their own advantage. This could include emotional and psychological manipulation, unpaid labor, free childcare, financial exploitation etc. The coercive controller employs exploitation based on the target's vulnerabilities and the current state of the "relationship."
Enslave
Enslavement represents the coercive controller’s tactic of stripping away the victim's autonomy. The controller may dictate all aspects of the target's life, making the targeted victim feel trapped and powerless. This tactic can be employed whenever the controller wishes to exert total control over the targeted victim, destroy their dignity, and remind them that they are powerless to resist.
Prevent Escape Through Escalation
Preventing escape through escalation is used by the coercive controller whenever the target shows signs of resistance or attempts to escape. This could involve escalating the intensity of abuse or manipulation, handing out harsh punishments, or even resorting to threats and acts of violence. The goal is to instill fear and uncertainty, making the victim too afraid or unsure to escape. The controller may also use manipulative tactics such as promising change or expressing remorse to maintain their control over the victim.
Moving Forward
Understanding the dynamics of coercive control and The E's (the coercive controller's goals) from The Quicksand Model® can help us debunk the myth of mutual abuse. It's important to recognize the power imbalances inherent in coercively controlling relationships, instead of blaming both parties equally. While targets are never perfect, they are never to blame for the coercive control inflicted upon them by a coercive controller.
Knowledge and awareness are crucial in preventing abuse and providing support for targeted victims. By shifting our perspective from mutual abuse to the framework of coercive control, we can develop more effective strategies to combat domestic violence and support those entrapped in the quicksand of coercive control.
In conclusion, the myth of mutual abuse simplifies the complex dynamics of coercively controlling relationships and groups and can potentially harm targeted victims further. A more nuanced understanding of these dynamics, as provided by coercive control and The Quicksand Model®, can provide the necessary perspective to support targeted victims and address the problem more effectively.
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NOTE: Leaving a coercive controller can be very dangerous, so it's important to seek help before doing so. Numerous resources are available on ECCUSA's resource page to assist you.
