Boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships and mental and physical well-being. But that which makes a healthy relationship thrive can be dangerous or even lethal for the target of coercive control.
Boundaries are impossible to set and maintain in relationships with coercive controllers, because they fly in the face of the main goal of coercive control... complete domination. When one person in a "relationship" wants complete control over the other, that person's needs and wants are considered irrelevant. Since boundaries protect us by making our needs and wants known, a coercive controller will do everything in their power to ignore, ridicule and violate our boundaries.
This may begin slowly or suddenly. For many survivors they noted a distinct change in their partner's ability to hear and respect their boundaries at times that signified commitment. For instance, moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, or having a baby together can heighten a coercive controllers desire to dominate their partner.
Victims, targets and survivors of coercive control are often blamed for not setting better boundaries with their abusive partners. There is still a societal assumption that we teach others how to treat us, and if the survivor would set better boundaries, the coercive controller wouldn't take advantage of them. The problem with this myth is that it is partially true. In some circumstances we do teach others how to treat us. At work, for instance, failing to set good boundaries with our boss can result in being overburdened with work.
However, when it comes to coercive control, boundaries do not work. Why? Because boundaries are exactly what the coercive controller is working to tear down. Coercive controllers HATE boundaries. They may set boundaries for themselves, and DEMAND that everyone around them follow them, but they have #doublestandards for their targets. Other people are not allowed to have boundaries. Spouses, and often children, are viewed as property, not people with their own individual rights and needs. I mean have you ever heard a car talk back to their owner for painting them another color? That's how coercive controllers see other people, as objects that exist purely for their own gratification. They expect their partner to obey them the same way you would expect your car to except a new color of paint.
This is why coercive control often escalates when a survivor sets a boundary. Attempting to make decisions with their own money, wearing what they want, or, God forbid, attempting to divorce a coercive controller can literally be fatal. The most dangerous time for a survivor is when she tries to leave her coercive controller.
And then, the #doublebind... when we blame the victim for setting boundaries. "Why can't you just give him what he wants?" "He is the head of the household. You need to do as he says". "
Please stop #BlamingVictims for not setting boundaries. It may be exactly what has kept them alive thus far.
