Coercive control causes trauma, and the degree to which that trauma impacts a target of coercive control is in direct proportion to the degree and duration of the coercive control used to entrap them.
I am a lifelong survivor of coercive control. Beginning just before birth, my father forced my mother to abandon her plan to give birth to me at home, and comply with his demand she give birth in an army hospital, resulting in trauma from day one!
Coercive control is not "witnessed" by children, it is experienced. Whether they are the direct target of the coercive control or not, they absorb the terror-producing messages a coercive controller presents overtly and covertly to them and their family members every day.
So I learned, as many children living with coercive controllers do, that the world was not safe. I learned that love was conditional and that if my father was upset about something, he was going to make it my fault, and punishments would inevitably follow.
These messages caused trauma. They impacted the way my brain developed. They influenced the ways in which my genes expressed themselves, and the way my body responded to stress. They caused nearly irreparable harm... not just because of my childhood, but also because these lessons set me up to be a target for other predators in the future.
Such is often the fate of children forced into contact with coercive controllers, and the reason why I now dedicate my life to raising awareness and to the detection & prevention of coercive control.
While PTSD, CPTSD, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation are often the result of being targeted by a coercive controller, these trauma symptoms do not need to run our lives, for the rest of our lives. If you've been targeted by coercive control, either in your home, your place of business, within a high control group or some other environment, there is hope for healing.
Don't get me wrong, it's probably not going to be easy, but there is HOPE.
Here are some of the things I have used to calm my nervous system and heal the trauma caused by coercively controlling abuse. Not everything works for everybody, and not everything I tried worked for me, take what works for you and leave the rest. (I do not receive any type of compensation for referring these products or services. I recommend them based purely on my own positive experience with them).
IF ANY OF THE FOLLOWING SUGGESTIONS INCREASE YOUR SYMPTOMS STOP DOING THEM & SEEK PROFESSIONAL ASSISTANCE
Some healing modalities have been more helpful than others. Here are some of my favorites:
1. Sleep - If you have been subjected to coercive control it is likely that you have been deprived of sleep, either as a direct result of your coercive controller preventing you from sleeping, or because your nervous system has been re-wired to prioritize safety... making restorative sleep difficult. If you are looking for somewhere to start healing and you want the easiest and most impactful way to do it... I recommend implementing any and all strategies you can to improve your sleep.
2. Tapping - Emotional Freedom Technique. Tapping, also called EFT, has been shown to reduce stress and anxiety by 41% in under 10 minutes. You can find free tapping videos on YouTube and lots of web sites. If you want an app you can use to track your tapping and have instant access to lots of options, you can try The Tapping Solution. That's the one I use.
3. Unconditional Love & Support - We can only heal once we are safe, and in a supportive environment. That means the more you can surround yourself with supportive and loving people, who empower you to grow and heal, the more quickly you can regain what was taken from you by the coercive controller. Friends, family, support groups, and therapists specifically trained in coercive control or domestic violence are great options. A therapist who understands coercive control can help you understand what happened to you and heal while assisting you to avoid coercive controllers in the future.
4. Living Recovery Program - By Dr. Sandra Brown. This program is designed specifically for women who have been impacted by coercive controllers who also have personality disorders. It is a year-long program that is gentle enough for survivors healing from the aftermath of coercive control and it is self-led. The program is very economical ($33/month). If you cannot afford a therapist, in my opinion, this is the next best thing.
5. Mindfulness Mind Fitness Training (MMFT) - Another option for self-led healing is Elizabeth Stanley's MMFT program. This program is 8 weeks long. However, it is flexible enough to be stretched out for longer. This program includes lots of safe exercises for trauma survivors to heal their nervous systems to feel safer and more grounded. Meditation is often sought out and recommended for healing trauma. However, the trauma of coercive control often creates Complex Post Traumatic Stress, and meditation can be harmful if used too soon. The MMFT program eases participants into exercises safely, so as to prevent further harm.
6. Healthy Food - I know it sounds cliche, but you literally are "what you eat". To heal your nervous system from trauma, you need to nourish your body with foods that will support that healing.
7. Exercise - There are many different types of exercise, and all of them are good for healing trauma at different times depending on your goals.
- HIIT: has been found to reduce oxidative stress, anxiety and neuronal damage.
- Walking releases endorphins, stimulates relaxation, improves mood and can reduce the severity of PTSD symptoms.
- Aerobic Exercise is especially good for restoring health.
- Weight Training is beneficial for strengthening mental health and overcoming PTSD.
Whatever form of exercise you choose can assist you in your healing journey from coercive control. I like to mix things up and get all of these types into my weekly schedule. Here is the link to the Max T-3 Program I follow most days.
8. Stellate Ganglion Block: This is a relatively new and innovative treatment for PTSD and CPTSD. I have had success myself with this treatment and have two survivor friends who have as well. There are risks though, so it's very important to get all the information before making a decision to have the procedure done.
9. Meditation: As mentioned above, meditation can be a viable treatment for trauma. However, it also comes with potential risks, especially for those harmed by coercive control. If you try meditation and it increases your symptoms, you may want to start with MMFT instead.
10. Psycho-Education: Perhaps one of the most validating for the person harmed by coercive control is psycho-education. When we read books, articles etc. on trauma, coercive control, domestic abuse, neuroscience etc. we quickly learn that what was done to us was not our fault. The coercive controller is 100% responsible for the trauma caused by their coercive and controlling behaviors. Psycho-education can help widen our perspective and re-discover ourselves beyond the influence of the coercive controller.
11. Breathing Techniques: This is another healing modality that persons harmed by coercive control might want to approach with caution. The one I have found most helpful, and least triggering, is the 4-7-8 Breathing Technique. If you try breathing exercises and find they worsen your symptoms, I recommend you try MMFT or EFT first to establish a feeling of safety in your body before advancing to breathing techniques.
Click for more resources and research on coercive control and healing.
What healing tools have you used to overcome the trauma and aftermath of coercive control? Please leave a comment below.
