Kate Amber, MSc Posted on: September 17, 2025
The recent assassination of Charlie Kirk has sent shockwaves through the nation, not only for the tragic loss of life but also for the disturbing patterns of coercive control that have emerged in the aftermath. As the founder of The Quicksand Model® and a lifelong supporter of ending coercive control (even though I didn't always know what it was called), I am compelled to examine how the administration’s and media’s responses to this event have mirrored the very dynamics of abuse and manipulation that our movement seeks to expose and dismantle. The reactions—marked by double standards, double speak, and the classic DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) maneuver—offer a sobering case study in how coercive control operates far beyond the private sphere, infecting our public discourse and political institutions.
In the immediate aftermath of Charlie Kirk’s murder, the administration and prominent Republican figures, including President Trump, wasted no time in shaping the narrative. Before any facts about the perpetrator were known, the talking points were clear and coordinated: this was the act of a “leftist lunatic,” a symptom of a supposed epidemic of left-wing violence, and a direct attack on conservative values. The media, in lockstep, amplified these claims, stoking fear and division. This rush to judgment exemplifies a common weapon of coercive control: the imposition of a single, self-serving narrative that silences dissent and precludes critical inquiry, which, within The Quicksand Model® falls under fraud.
Although the investigation is ongoing, as it unfolds it is becoming clear that the motivation for the killing is more complex, and most likely the actions of a single individual who was raised by a Republican Mormon family—and one who was regularly photographed with guns. As this information surfaced, the narrative shifted abruptly. Suddenly, the administration and its media allies pivoted to downplay the political motivations, emphasizing mental health and “lone wolf” explanations. This is a textbook example of double standards and double speak, both central to The Quicksand Model®. When the facts fit the preferred narrative, they are weaponized; when they do not, they are minimized or reframed. The rules change depending on who is implicated, revealing a deep hypocrisy at the heart of the response.
This pattern is not merely rhetorical; it is a form of psychological manipulation that mirrors the tactics of coercive controllers in abusive relationships. Double standards—where one set of rules applies to the in-group and another to the out-group—serve to maintain power and control, while double speak—weaponizing language to obscure, distort, or reverse meaning—confuses and destabilizes the public, making it harder to hold anyone accountable. These are not isolated incidents but part of a broader pattern of coercive control in political discourse, as research has shown.
The president’s assertion that leftists are the primary source of political violence is not only misleading but directly contradicted by a wealth of data from government agencies and independent researchers. In fact, right-wing extremist violence has been responsible for the overwhelming majority of domestic terrorism fatalities in the United States over the past decade, accounting for approximately 75% to 80% of such deaths, while left-wing extremist incidents comprise only about 10–15% of incidents and less than 5% of fatalities. Most left-wing violence has targeted property rather than people, whereas right-wing attacks have resulted in far more casualties, including high-profile mass shootings. The FBI, DHS, and multiple academic studies have consistently identified racially or ethnically motivated violent extremists—particularly those on the far right—and anti-government extremists as the most persistent and lethal domestic terrorism threats in recent years. By perpetuating the false narrative that left-wing violence is the greater threat, political leaders and media outlets not only distort the facts but also engage in the very coercive control tactics—double standards and double speak—that The Quicksand Model® warns against.
Perhaps most insidious is the use of DARVO, a tactic I have long identified in my work. In the days following the assassination, we saw the administration and its supporters Deny any responsibility for the toxic political climate, Attack those who called for accountability or gun reform, and Reverse Victim and Offender by portraying themselves as the true victims of “media bias” and “leftist attacks.” This maneuver not only deflects blame but also serves to silence and intimidate critics, reinforcing the coercive controller’s grip on the narrative.
The Quicksand Model® teaches us that coercive control is not just about overt violence; it is about the subtle, persistent erosion of truth, trust, and agency. When those in power manipulate narratives, shift blame, and apply double standards, they are engaging in the same dynamics that trap targeted victims in abusive relationships. The public, in this sense, becomes collectively gaslit—unable to trust what they see and hear, and increasingly powerless to demand accountability.
As proponents of ending coercive control, we must call out these patterns wherever they appear. The assassination of Charlie Kirk is a tragedy, but the administration’s coercively controlling response is a warning. If we allow double standards, double speak, and DARVO to define our public discourse, we risk sinking ever deeper into the quicksand of coercive control. Our mission at End Coercive Control USA is to shine a light on these dynamics, demand transparency, and empower all people—survivors, citizens, and communities—to resist the pull of coercive control in every sphere of life.
While it is undeniable that Charlie Kirk’s views and actions were often provocative and incendiary—frequently sparking intense debate and controversy—he, like every American, was entitled to the fundamental right of free speech enshrined in the First Amendment. As we honor that right, it is imperative that we also remain vigilant in demanding that political figures, media organizations, and social media platforms do not misrepresent facts or manipulate narratives for partisan gain. Only by upholding both the freedom to speak and the responsibility to tell the truth can we foster a society that is both open and just not by succumbing to the politics of fear and control, but by recommitting ourselves to truth, accountability, and the relentless pursuit of justice for all.
Introduction to The Quicksand Model of Coercive Control
The Quicksand Model of Coercive Control, developed by (me) Kate Amber and utilized by End Coercive Control USA, is a survivor-centered, trauma-informed framework that explains the layered tactics and strategies coercive controllers use to entrap and dominate their targeted victims. This model categorizes coercive control tactics and strategies into the D's, E's, F's, and I's, offering a detailed understanding of how coercive control operates on psychological, biological, and social levels. It is a bio-psycho-social framework that takes a holistic and systems-based approach to explaining abuse, violence and oppression. By exploring these categories, we can better understand the mechanisms of coercive control and learn to dismantle the systems that enable coercive controllers and harm targeted victims.
The D's: The Weapons of Coercive Control: Double Standards, Double Binds, Double Speak, Double Down, Double Team, Double Cross, and DARVO
The "D's" in the Quicksand Model highlight the manipulative tactics and strategies abusers use to confuse, control, and dominate their targets.
Double Standards: Coercive controllers enforce one set of rules for themselves and another for their targets, creating an unfair and oppressive dynamic. For example, they may demand loyalty while being unfaithful themselves.
Double Binds: Targets are placed in no-win situations where any choice they make is wrong. This tactic creates confusion and helplessness, as the target feels they cannot succeed no matter what they do.
Double Speak: Coercive controllers use contradictory and deceptive language and communication to manipulate and gaslight their targeted victims. This tactic erodes trust in the target's own perceptions and reality.
Double Down: When confronted, coercive controllers intensify their controlling behavior rather than taking accountability. This escalation reinforces their dominance and silences the target of their abuse.
Double Team: Coercive controllers may enlist others to support their narrative or isolate the victim further, creating a sense of betrayal and amplifying the target's isolation.
Double Cross: Coercive controllers betray the trust of their targets, often by breaking promises or exploiting vulnerabilities. This tactic deepens the targeted victim's dependency and sense of betrayal.
DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender): While The Doubles represent tactics of coercive control, DARVO is the coercive controller's most common strategy. DARVO is used by coercive controllers to Deny their actions, Attack the target for speaking out, and position themselves as the true victim (Reverse Victim & Offender). This strategy shifts blame and silences the targeted victim.
The D's illustrate how coercive controllers entrap targets in quicksand using manipulation, deception, and tactics and strategies of coercion and control, leaving targets feeling trapped and powerless.
The E's: The Goals of Coercive Control: Ensnare, Entrap, Exploit, Erode, Prevent Escape Through Escalation, Erase, and Eradicate
The "E's" focus on the ways coercive controllers systematically dismantle a target's autonomy and sense of self. The E's are the coercive controllers goals which keep targets entrapped in quicksand, or return them to the quicksand, if they manage to temporarily escape.
Ensnare: Coercive controllers lure targets into the quicksand with love bombing (manipulative kindness), mirroring, and future faking (which make up the mirage), only to entrap them in the quicksand of coercion and control that is hidden behind the mirage in the background (see image above).
Entrap: Targets are systematically entrapped in quicksand through isolation, financial control, legal manipulation, and various other psychological, biological and social tactics, making it difficult for them to leave.
Exploit: Coercive controllers take advantage of the target's normal human vulnerabilities, such as by violating or ignoring their emotional needs, forcing financial instability, or triggering their past trauma, to maintain control. Some coercive controllers intentionally choose strong, creative and highly capable targets, specifically to exploit the target's strengths, and feed off of them like a parasite.
Erode: Coercive controllers erode the target's sense of self, identity, and autonomy through constant criticism, gaslighting, and manipulation. Over time, targets may lose confidence in their ability to make decisions or live independently.
Prevent Escape Through Escalation: When targets attempt to leave or assert independence, coercive controllers escalate their tactics and strategies. They do so by increasing the frequency and/or severity of their threats, violence, deception, or manipulation, to prevent their target's escape from the quicksand.
Erase: Coercive controllers attempt to erase the target's individuality, autonomy, and connections to others, leaving them entirely dependent on the abuser. Even after the target leaves the coercive controller, they often feel erased through the coercive controller's and/or system professional's silencing and invalidation of their experience.
Eradicate: In extreme cases, coercive controllers seek to completely eradicate their target. These are the cases that end in homicide, suicide, or homicide/suicide.
The E's demonstrate how coercive control systematically dismantles a target's autonomy and identity, leaving them feeling trapped and hopeless.
The F's: The Methods of Coercive Control: Force, Fraud, and Fear
The "F's" highlight the core mechanisms coercive controllers use to establish and maintain control over their targeted victims.
Force: Coercive controllers use physical, emotional, and/or psychological force to dominate their victims. This can include physical violence, threats, or coercion. Force can be blatant or subtle, and it often manifests as harsh punishments for non-compliance with the coercive controller's demands.
Fraud: Coercive controllers deceive their targets through lies, manipulation, or false promises, creating a false sense of security or trust. Once the target discovers that their coercive controller has been hiding things and lying to them, it can cause intense feelings of betrayal, known as betrayal trauma.
Fear: Fear is a central tool of coercive control. Coercive controllers use credible threats, intimidation, and overt and implied consequences to keep targets compliant. Even one single act of physical violence can be enough to instill a deep feeling of fear in the target, leading to increased compliance, and autonomy erosion, over time.
The F's reveal the fundamental tools of coercive control, which rely on deception, intimidation, and violence to maintain dominance.
The I's: Coercive Control in The Law: Indignity, Isolation, Intimidation, Inequality, and Indoctrination
The "I's" focus on the ways abusers strip targeted victims of their dignity, independence, and agency. Indignity, isolation, intimidation and inequality are aspects covered by statutes against coercive control, and although indoctrination is not included in legal statutes, it is often a primary strategy utilized within a pattern of coercive control, especially within groups.
Indignity: Coercive controllers degrade and dehumanize their targets, stripping them of their dignity and self-worth. This can include verbal abuse, humiliation, or treating the target as inferior.
Isolation: Coercive controllers cut targets off from friends, family, and other support systems, leaving them unsupported and socially and emotionally dependent on the abuser.
Intimidation: Coercive controllers use threats, controlling body language, or tone of voice to instill fear and reinforce their dominance.
Inequality: At the heart of coercive control is a profound imbalance of power. Coercive controllers create a dynamic where they hold all authority, while the target is rendered powerless.
Indoctrination: Indoctrination is the overall strategy used by coercive controllers to systematically instill their beliefs, expectations, and rules into the target's mind through repetition and manipulation. This strategy creates a sense of inevitability and compliance, making it even harder for targets to free themselves from the quicksand.
The I's underscore how coercive control operates on multiple levels to dismantle the target's independence and reinforce systemic power imbalances.
Conclusion
The Quicksand Model of Coercive Control provides a powerful framework for understanding the tactics, strategies, and impacts of coercive control. By examining the D's, E's, F's, and I's we can better recognize the tactics and strategies of coercive controllers and take steps to protect ourselves and our loved ones from this insidious pattern of oppression and domination.
NOTE: Leaving a coercive controller can be very dangerous, so it's important to seek help before doing so. Numerous resources are available on ECCUSA's resource page to assist you.
