This coercive control research shows what domestic abuse advocates and survivors of coercive control have known all along... that one of the abuser's most powerful weapons to harm his partner or ex-partner is to weaponize the children. It seem counter-intuitive that a father would knowingly hurt his kids to get back at his ex, but that's exactly what happens when one person is a coercive controller and the other is his targeted victim (I say "his" not because women are never coercive controllers, but because research shows that the majority are men abusing women).
The more awareness is raised in the general public about domestic abuse, domestic violence, intimate partner violence and coercive control, the harder it becomes for coercive controllers to get away with their abuse. Physical violence is still thought to be the foundation of domestic abuse, but it's not true. "Coercive control is the foundation of nearly all domestic abuse" my friend and colleague, Dr. Christine Cocchiolla, reminds us. (As an expert in coercive control with lived experience and post-graduate certification in coercive control, I have come to see coercive control as the umbrella under which all abuses of power occur).
Physical violence, within the pattern of coercive control, is often reserved until the targeted victim begins to realize they are trapped and tries to free themselves. Treating a person with love and kindness over a period of time, and then withdrawing that love, while at the same time, using physical violence to punish them for a perceived "mistake", can be especially devastating, and create a trauma-coerced attachment.
Physical violence within domestic abuse is often the smoking gun that coercive control has been operating all along and has now escalated to a dangerous level. Physical violence is not the foundation, it is the tip of the iceberg, and the rest of the coercive controller's tactics are hidden below the surface.
Coercive control rarely starts with physical violence. Coercive control is intended to completely dominate the targeted victim... to rob the targeted victim of their autonomy, dignity and freedom. Coercive controllers exploit their targeted victim's resources for their own personal gain, and often in very subtle ways. The more savvy a targeted victim, the more subtle the tactics of coercive control are likely to be. The smarter and more naturally confident the targeted victim, the more likely it is that the abuse will be "invisible in plain sight". People don't want to be slaves, and that is essentially what the coercive controller is trying to do... make the targeted victim his slave.
In order to entrap their targeted victim, the coercive controller will often manipulate and deceive them using tactics like manipulative kindness (AKA love-bombing). This tactic, where the coercive controller showers the targeted victim with praise, admiration, love, and attention, is a setup, a con, a FRAUD! It is not love, and it reveals (very briefly) the insidious and dangerous pattern that lies beneath. This is incredibly dangerous for the victim, because once the targeted victim believes the coercive controller loves them, the coercive controller sets out to entrap and enslave them, draining the life out of them.
But what about those victims who escape, you ask? Don't they reach safety and regain their dignity, freedom and autonomy? Doesn't divorce end the coercive control? Rarely!
After escaping a coercive controller the targeted victim has to overcome major hurdles, and the most common one is that the coercive controller will weaponization the children. Coercive controllers do not care about their children, not in the way healthy people do. They see them as property and tools for manipulation and abuse. They are furious when their targeted victim leaves them and even more furious when the protective parent obtains custody of the children.
This is so unacceptable to the coercive controller's feelings of superiority and entitlement that he will often go to great lengths to weaponize the children in order to further destroy the targeted victim.
For the targeted victim, this tactic can be the nail in the coffin, and as this study found, can have extremely detrimental impacts on their health and well-being.
It is time we stop enabling coercive controllers to use courts, police and health services to re-traumatize victims! It is time for #SystemicTransformation!
