Gaslighting is the term used for harming a person through manipulation and deception in order to make them believe they are going crazy.
Webster defines it as: "psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator"
2022 has revealed many examples of gaslighting in the media, politics, in family court and in criminal court. Gaslighting is often the foundation upon which a pattern of coercive control is established. Gaslighting is designed to make a person doubt themselves, and the victim's doubt that they are being abused is critical for the coercive controller to keep their abuse #invisibleinplainsight. Abusers and #coercivecontrollers use tactice of gaslighting not only to create doubt, reduce self-esteem and uncertainty. The goal of #gaslighting, which includes a pattern of #coercivecontrol, is to completely dominate the targeted victim/survivor. The intent of coercive control and gaslighting is more than just "dependency", it often includes a desire to annihilate the targeted victim completely.
Coercive control is present by stage 3 of the 8 stages of intimate partner homicide. Coercive control is the number 1 risk factor for #intimatepartnerhomicide. And coercive control will always include gaslighting to some degree. Why? Because people don't enjoy being entrapped, enslaved and terrorized, so the coercive controller has to use gaslighting to keep the targeted victim from noticing that is what is happening.
Once the targeted victim/survivor discovers that they are being abused and/or coercively controlled, the coercive controller may reduce the level of gaslighting toward that survivor. However, what usually increases is the gaslighting that the perpetrator of coercive control begins to use to abuse the survivor by proxy.
#FamilyCourt is one place gaslighting the survivor via abuse by proxy occurs regularly. Once the target has realized they need to escape their coercive controller, the abuser shifts their focus from direct gaslighting to using police, attorneys, GALs, judges, court evaluators and unscientific theories like #parentalalienationsyndrome to gaslight them indirectly.
If you are being gaslit by a coercive controller or the systems that are supposed to protect you, you can book a free consult with me to see if there's anything that can be done to protect you and your family.
If you have been targeted by a coercive controller, and you've done enough research to know that coercive control is the problem you are dealing with, then you probably already know how difficult it can be to explain to professionals what coercive control looks and feels like.
Coercive control is a complex and nuanced form of abuse that is invisible in plain sight. It is insidious in it's subtle forms, and utterly terrifying when it escalates to forms that can include physical violence, sexual violence and/or veiled (or not so veiled) threats that leave you terrified of what the coercive controller may be capable of. In the hands of its most savvy practitioners, coercive control is intimate terrorism and pure torture!
I don't throw words like torture and terror around lightly. I'm not exaggerating or using hyperbole. Coercive control can, and often does, become torture and intimate terrorism. And, if left unchecked, it is almost inevitable that it will.
Unfortunately, coercive control is not well understood. I've heard people refer to coercive control as non-physical abuse or psychological abuse. And, while coercive control can include both of these, neither of these types of abuse, on their own, causes the absolute devastation and destruction that coercive control does.
So what is coercive control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that combines force, fraud and fear to dominate another person or person. Coercive control is the pattern of behavior that establishes and maintains oppression. It is not a single act of abuse, coercion or control... it is a course of conduct, that in effect, entraps, or even enslaves, another person, robbing them of their dignity, their autonomy, and sometimes, even their very life. Severe coercive control can make you feel like your soul has been stolen from you.
These are not legal definitions for coercive control. They are mine. They are what I have pieced together over the years from my experience, education and other experts in the field, experts in coercive control like Evan Stark, Emma Katz, Lisa Fontes, Christine Cocchiola, Laura Richards and Andrew Cicchetti.
Many of the experts whose work I've studied have been targeted and victimized themselves by coercive control, which makes them (and myself) especially qualified to discuss the topic and explore possible remedies.
One of those possible remedies is testimony by an expert witness in coercive control. Civil courts, criminal courts and family courts often permit experts to testify on topics that judges and juries aren't qualified to assess. These expert witnesses can provide context and/or expert assessments of aspects in the case to assist the fact finders (judge and jury) to make better decisions.
And coercive control is certainly an aspect of cases that needs expert assessment. As I mentioned above, coercive control is not a single act, or even a few acts, of abuse, control or coercion. Coercive control is a pattern of numerous types of abuse woven together to cause the target to be dominated, trapped and unable to escape.
Currently, in cases that involve coercive control, social myths and misconceptions can easily color the perspective of the fact finders, making it very difficult for targets of coercive control to provide evidence of harm, danger and risk. And that's where an expert witness in coercive control can be very helpful.
There are two main types of coercive control expert witnesses; subject matter witnesses and case specific witnesses. Whether a subject matter witness or a case specific witness, a coercive control expert witness's job is to provide information on coercive control for the fact finders, so that they can make more informed decisions in the case. Subject matter witnesses are what you might call blind witnesses... meaning they do not know any specific information about the case. As a subject matter witness in coercive control, testimony is given to contextualize certain aspects of the case.
For instance, in a custody dispute in family court it is common for both sides to make allegations of abuse. This happens primarily because coercive controllers do not see their behaviors as abusive, and therefore, when someone points their coercive control out to them, they believe it is THAT person who is being abusive. It's a little hard to wrap your head around, but the bottom line is, it's related to projection and a coercive controller's inability to feel empathy or take responsibility for their actions. The other reason false allegations are common in these cases, especially custody cases, is that coercive controllers know that if they muddy the water with their own allegations, they can take, at least some, of the pressure off themselves, and hopefully avoid being held responsible for their coercive control.
In a custody case, when abuse is alleged by both parties, the court does the same thing everyone else does when they don't know who is telling the truth, and have no way to accurately assess the situation... they call it "mutual abuse", or they determine that both parties must be "high conflict" personalities. This can be devastating to the targeted victims in the case... especially the children, because when courts have no way to determine who is at fault, and their solution is to split custody down the middle, it harms everyone.
This is where a coercive control expert witness can come in handy. The coercive control subject matter witness can provide the context that these cases are missing. They can explain things like the myth of "mutual abuse" to the court. The expert can explain how easy it is to misinterpret signs of trauma as signs of deception, and come to the false conclusion that the targeted victim is "not credible". A coercive control expert can testify to the effects of trauma on the targeted victim, and help explain why they may be acting in ways that make them appear not credible... even though they are telling the truth.
A coercive control expert witness who is hired to assess a case for coercive control, can look at the specific details in the case and help determine 1. if there has been any coercive control, 2. who has perpetrated the coercive control, 3. the severity of the coercive control, 4. the impact of the coercive control on the targeted victim and the children and 5. what recommendations the expert makes to ensure safety, reduce risk of harm and promote healthy relationships for the parties moving forward.
Whether the coercive control expert is a subject matter witness or a case specific witness, they can provide the context that the coercive controller and their attorney have been doing everything in their power to cover up. They can testify to the research that supports limited contact between coercive controllers and children. They can assess the risks using evidence-based assessment tools, and they can make give targets the peace of mind that they have someone on their team that understands what they have been through and the importance of protecting children from coercive control.
NOTE: I will refer to the other person in the "relationship" as the "partner" for this post. I do so to avoid assuming that you are entangled with a coercive controller. If/when you determine that is the case, the words "relationship" and "partner" no longer apply. Coercively controlling abusers are not partners, nor is the situation they have entrapped their target into a "relationship."
Have you ever wondered if your partner/ex-partner was right about you being the abusive one?
The question "Am I the problem?" can haunt those of us with empathy, those of us who are introspective about our behavior and our impact on others... especially the person we married and/or hoped to build a life with. In this blog post I offer some basic questions to ask yourself and some general characteristics of coercive controllers, and the pattern of coercive control, to shed light on what is happening, and who is, in fact, responsible.
Critical Truths About Coercive Control used by Coercive Controllers (abusers and narcissists)
1. The vast majority of abusers know exactly what they are doing. Coercive control, in particular, is a pattern of behavior designed to establish and maintain domination and oppression. When the goal is domination, the tactics and strategies are always instrumental and purposeful, and they are never "love."
2. Women entrapped in coercive control reported higher use of physical violence themselves while entrapped by coercive control. Sometimes, behaviors that might seem aggressive or controlling can actually be acts of resistance. In contexts where power imbalances exist, individuals may resist coercive control in ways that appear confrontational. "How He Wins" discusses how those subjected to coercive control may fight back as a means of reclaiming autonomy, not as a way of exerting dominance.
Moreover, "A Typology of Domestic Violence" identifies violent resistance as a response to ongoing abuse. This form of resistance isn't about control but survival. It’s crucial to differentiate between actions taken to protect oneself and those intended to dominate another.
3. Coercive controllers use DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) to confuse their targets and cause them to doubt their own thoughts and feelings. This provides a way to constrain their target's behavior, limiting their autonomy and liberty.
4. Double Cross: Coercive controllers, such as abusers or narcissists, betray their targets through actions like infidelity, financial abuse, and exploitation, undermining trust and destabilizing the relationship from the start. Love-bombing (aka manipulative kindness) early on can set a target up to believe the coercive controller has their best interests at heart. Later, when the coercive controller becomes abusive, overcoming the cognitive bias this intentionally created can be challenging.
5. Double Team: Once exposed, these coercive controllers manipulate the narrative by turning friends and family against the target, playing the victim, and leaving the target isolated and vulnerable. When false allegations are filed with The Court, child protective services and/or law enforcement, institutional betrayal can result in CPIT (court and perpetrator induced trauma). (The significant negative impact of the Double Team on the target is illustrated by the image above).
6. Another common intentional strategy of coercive controllers is to use Double Speak, weaponizing language against their entrapped target. Through manipulation and deception the abusive and/or narcissistic coercive controller sows the seeds of self-doubt in their target. This makes the target more vulnerable, decreasing the likelihood they will escape the quicksand of coercive control.
Questions for Reflection / Understanding the Unlikelihood that it is You
There are various tactics that abusive coercive controllers use to undermine their victims' autonomy, often making them feel responsible for the controller's behavior. However, you don't need to know every tactic to address the questions in this blog. With an understanding of the intentional nature of coercive control, consider these questions to help you reflect on the reality of your "relationship."
1. Do you believe your needs are more important than your partner's? If the answer is no, you are likely not the abusive one.
2. Do you behave in ways that suggest you feel superior to your partner? If the answer is no, you are likely not the abusive one.
3. Do you expect your partner to meet your demands while refusing to hold yourself to the same standards? Coercive controllers exploit Double Standards for unearned privileges. If you hold yourself to the same (or higher) expectations as your partner, you are likely not the coercive controller.
4. When you feel guilty about your behavior, are these behaviors typical for you in relationships? If you usually act calmly and compassionately but find yourself yelling or slamming doors with this partner, your anger more likely indicates entrapment in an unhealthy, abusive situation rather than a character flaw.
5. When you acted out, was it to establish dominance or avoid being dominated? If you yelled to be heard because your partner twists your words or if you reacted violently after a betrayal, your behavior may be an act of resistance rather than an attempt to control or abuse.
6. Do you care about other's thoughts, feelings and well-being as well as your own? If so, you are probably NOT the abuser, the narcissist or the coercive controller.
Conclusion
The journey toward understanding and growth is ongoing. Remember, the willingness to question oneself and seek change is a powerful testament to your capacity for growth and empathy. By continuing to reflect and learn, you contribute to a world where relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding.
If you find yourself behaving in ways that are uncharacteristic with a specific person or certain individuals who exhibit coercively controlling behaviors, your "bad behavior" is likely situational rather than a reflection of your true character. This suggests that you may be in a coercively controlling environment. The sooner you can remove yourself from this situation, the sooner you can begin to rebuild your self-esteem, autonomy, dignity, and freedom.
NOTE: Leaving a coercive controller can be very dangerous, so it's important to seek help before doing so. Numerous resources are available on ECCUSA's resource page to assist you.
I've covered Double Speak before, but today I'd like to go into this tactic, commonly used by coercive controllers, in a bit more depth.
Double Speak is the Quicksand Model™'s term for the numerous ways that coercive controllers use language to manipulate and deceive others into viewing reality through their distorted lens. Coercive controllers perceive the world, and people in it, through their own unique combination of ideologies, myths, misconceptions, assumptions and biases. Here are some examples:
The biases and assumptions coercive controllers view the world through are like colored glasses that distort their ability to see reality clearly. Take, for example, gender biases (this post will cover gender biases exclusively, however, this is only one type of bias that coercive controllers may exploit). A coercive controller who believes that men are superior to women may have all sorts of unreasonable expectations for people based on their sex. If that coercive controller is male and his partner female, and his partner resists taking on 100% of the household responsibilities, he will perceive his partner as a "problem" or "uncooperative", because looking through the lens of gender bias, he views cleaning, laundry and child care to be "women's work"... and therefore... beneath him. Looking through his distorted glasses, he sees her as failing to "support" him appropriately.
Often the beliefs and assumptions held by coercive controllers are hidden in plain sight. This is because, prior to the relationship, the coercive controller doesn't dare express these sentiments out loud to his partner, because within societies where females are raised to believe they are "equal", outright sexism is often never revealed until AFTER a commitment is obtained from the target.
Coercive controllers take advantage of societal gendered #DoubleStandards, which can be quite easy to exploit without being noticed for what they really are... coercive control.
Following a commitment, this coercive controller with gender biased thinking may use tactics of coercive control to say and do things that he believes are his "right", possibly even his "duty", to keep his partner "in her place". He may tell his wife that she is not living up to her "Godly responsibilities" to "submit to him" as the "man of the house". He may insist on rules that he feels he has the right to set, and dole out consequences for, when not followed. Because his sexist expectations were never expressed to his partner before the commitment, his statement to her are an example of one type of #DoubleSpeak, contradictions/hypocrisy.
This coercive controller is contradicting what he previously led his partner to believe, which was that they were committing to an equally supportive relationship. That is what the target committed to, but not the coercive controller. All of his prior communication to her about being a "feminist" and "supportive of women's rights", all the promises to "honor" and "respect" her, were part of #TheMirage he used to hide his true intentions.
Exploitation of #DoubleStandards can be covert or overt. Overt exploitation of #DoubleStandards sounds like direct judgements and expectations placed on the target. For example, telling his wife that she must have sex when he demands, because it is her "duty" to "meet all of" his "sexual needs". Or, it could be much more subtle and covert, like inferring that he might "wander" if his sexual needs aren't being met. Either way, gendered #DoubleStandards becomes abusive if the target has not granted consent. This is especially true when the target states outright that her partner's demands are unfair, unreasonable and place on undue burden on her, while providing him with unearned advantages.
The exploitation of #DoubleStandards often turns into obvious #DoubleSpeak when the coercive controller receives push back from the target. As long as the target is fulfilling his demands, there is no need for him to force compliance. But once the target attempts to stand up for themselves, to ask for equal treatment, and to expect respect, that is typically when the #DoubleSpeak escalates. Double speak is the use of various types of psychological and verbal warfare, designed to force, coerce or control the target's thoughts, feelings and behaviors... without consent.
So, let's say that the wife in our example above, wishes her husband to share the household load equally, and she tells him so. Below are examples of tactics of #DoubleSpeak that a coercive controller might employ to obtain compliance.
- Distort reality (gaslighting): "I do just as much work around here as you do". This places the target in the position to defend herself. This tactic of #DoubleSpeak is designed to confuse the target, who knows the coercive controller is not telling the truth. It often causes cognitive dissonance, because the target may start to doubt their own experience. However, if the target refuses to be swayed by this specious argument, and presents evidence that his statement is false, the coercive controller might move on to...
- Smoke-screening: "OK... maybe you do more here in the house, but I bring home more money than you do." This form of #DoubleSpeak intends to distract the target from the topic of conversation and shifts the focus onto an irrelevant "fact" (I've placed this is quotes, because often this isn't a true fact, it is more likely a false equivalency). If the target responds by attempting to rationally address the false equivalency and states that "I work just as many hours as you do. The fact that I am not paid adequately for my work, does not make my work any less valuable than yours. Now let's get back to the topic at hand" the coercive controller may switch to...
- Playing the Victim: "Is it too much to ask to come home to a clean house and a satisfying meal on the table after my long hard day at work?" This is another way to change the subject, avoid accountability, and place all of the responsibility on the target's shoulders. The implication is that she is not being a "good wife". If the target falls for this ruse and determines to "support" her husband more, her life force and autonomy are reduced, and she may spend considerable time and energy, either trying to meet his unreasonable and unfair expectations, or get caught in a cycle of trying to prove that he is not carrying his weight. Either way... it entraps her in BioPsychoSocial Quicksand.
NOTE: Playing the victim can become even more confusing and disorienting when the coercive controller accuses the target of "playing the victim". This is a real mind f*%k, because the target actually IS being victimized. However, by accusing her of having a "victim mindset", she feels forced to "prove" her innocence. This is often used in public, in combination with the #DoubleTeam, which can cause the people around the couple to throw up their hands and declare this is a "toxic tango", "dysfunctional relationship" or "he said - she said". The coercive controller has succeeded in avoiding responsibility for his abuse, mutualizing it.
The previous tactics of #DoubleSpeak can escalate to a strategic #DoubleTeam if the cycle keeps repeating with no resolution (which it likely will, since it is so grossly unfair to one party). If the coercive controller is religious (or even if he isn't, but believes pretending his is will get him what he wants) and has a fundamentalist view of The Bible, he may quote scripture to her, as a means of coercing her to comply through the use of guilt and shame. And, if he and his wife are members of a religious organization, he may even #DoubleTeam his wife by getting church leaders, who also believe in male superiority and entitlement, to take his side and encourage his re-framing of her desire for equality, as "sinful".
He may speak to the couple's pastor behind his wife's back, and infer to him that she is "not supporting him". If the pastor holds the same types of gendered biases as the coercive controller, or if he simply doesn't ask clarifying questions to uncover the coercive controller's manipulation, this tactic may bring the pastor on board, and the wife may be called in for a conversation about her "duties as a Christian wife", or some other such patriarchal and misogynistic BS. However, if the pastor isn't swayed by the attempt to #DoubleTeam her, the coercive controller may throw in a manipulative false inference that his wife has "mental heath issues", which are making the marriage unsustainable. Even if the pastor doesn't completely buy the coercive controller's story, these inferences will plant seeds for the future, should the target ever attempt to divorce the coercive controller.
If none of the coercive controller's tactics to re-establish his dominance through #DoubleSpeak and #DoubleTeam, and his wife continues to request a fairer arrangement for household duties, the odds begin to increase significantly that he will escalate to the use of physical and or sexual violence. This show of power and force, using the #DoubleCross, is likely to cause the target considerable fear. Following a physical show of force, a target is far less likely to stand up for themselves, because they now have a visceral experience of how dangerous it is to defy their husband, and they will want to avoid that in the future.
A savvy coercive controller may realize that an escalation to physical and/or sexual violence has the potential to cause the target to flee, so this is often when they will employ preemptive measures, and attempt to re-establish #TheMirage of a perfect future together by apologizing. This is not a sincere apology, and there are often clues that it's insincere. One clue is more #DoubleSpeak. "I am sorry that you got hurt, but I just love you so much, it makes me crazy thinking that you might ever leave me." She may not have even been thinking she would leave him over this, but by setting her up to feel sorry for him, and/or convincing her that he will "change", he increases the chances that she won't exercise her right to leave, and will remain trapped in the quicksand.
As you can see, coercive controllers move from one double to the next quite naturally. These tactics can overlap and blend into one another. If #DoubleStandards don't work, they might move to #DoubleSpeak. If #DoubleSpeak fails they may try placing their partner in a painful #DoubleBind by threatening to take the kids if she ever leaves him. #DoubleBinds grow stronger when the coercive controller enlists others and #DoubleTeams her... overwhelming her ability to respond and protect herself. #DARVO is commonly employed during a #DoubleTeam to make the coercive controller seem like the victim, and all of these tactics of coercive control will eventually lead to #DoubleVision for the target, whose reality becomes a terrifying and torturous house of mirrors which reflects the coercive controller's contempt toward her for failing to prop up his false reality and adequately comply with his unreasonable and unfair demands.
If you need an expert in coercive control for your case, you can book a free consult with me here.
If you need a coercive control trainer, speaker or consultant to help transform your organization to better serve victims, you can book a consultation here.
BioPsychoSocial Quicksand™ is the term I coined for the victim's experience of coercive control. Coercive control is damaging to our bodies, our brains, our minds and our relationships, and therefore, has negative biological, psychological and social impacts on the target. These negative impacts can become overwhelming, often leaving the target feeling like they are suffocating and drowning in inescapable quicksand.
In this blog I am revealing another Double in the BPQSM™, the Double Team (#DoubleTeam). Maybe you've never heard of the Double Team before, but if you have read much about narcissistic abuse, psychopathic abuse, narcissism, psychopathy or coercive control, I bet you have heard the term flying monkeys. The use of flying monkeys by a narcissistic coercive controller is a particularly alarming and painful aspect of being entrapped in BioPsychoSocial Quicksand™. It is a strategy often employed by coercive controllers when their target manages to wriggle free from the BioPsychoSocial Quicksand™ (even if it's only temporarily). I call the use of flying monkeys the Double Team.
Because coercive controllers use isolation to prevent their target from accessing support, that isolation can be compromised when their target escapes the quicksand of coercive control (even for a moment). While entrapped in BioPsychoSocial Quicksand™, coercive controllers isolate targets in three ways. They isolate them from the outside world. They isolate them from other members of the family or group, and they isolate targets from their own thoughts and feelings. (To read more about this, see Alexandra Stein's book Terror, Love & Brainwashing).
These three types of isolation force targets to rely on the coercive controller's version of reality (a distorted version of reality) and the coercive controller does NOT want the target to wake up from this reality. So, when a target escapes (or attempts to escape), and has access to support, and information that contradicts the coercive controller's false reality, the coercive controller becomes highly motivated to cut off access to that support and/or co-opt that support for themselves.
So... what do they do. They expand their reach by using many of the same tactics of manipulation and deception they use against their target. Their intention is to shift the narrative for the people who come in contact with their recently escaped target and view their target as the problem (victim-blaming). This is called the Double Team.
Believe it or not, it takes a lot of effort and energy to keep a target entrapped by coercive control for any significant period of time. Human beings don't enjoy being enslaved, and the experience of BioPsychoSocial Quicksand™ is one of enslavement. So, once a target escapes, the amount of energy required to force them back can be too much for one coercive controller to handle on their own. So, they enlist outsiders (aka flying monkeys) to gang up against their target. They Double Team the target so as to overwhelm them, and hopefully coerce or force them back into the BioPsychoSocial Quicksand™. (Some very savvy coercive controllers even begin the process of Double Teaming their target BEFORE they attempt to leave. In this way, the target discovers, to their terror, that the support they expected to receive isn't going to happen).
There are two main types of flying monkeys that coercive controllers use to Double Team: 1. other coercively controlling individuals and 2. ignorant, but innocent, others whom they are able to deceive and manipulate. Coercive controllers are perfect allies for the Double Team, because they already enjoy abusing power, and these folks can be recruited from a victim's previous abusers, and are not only willing, but thrilled by the prospect of torturing a previous victim. However, the majority of flying monkeys that are recruited are not coercive controllers themselves. They are usually convinced by the seemingly authentic Mirage™ the coercive controller uses to make them believe their victim narrative and Double Team the target in a misguided attempt to protect or stand up for the coercive controller. Although these folks are not coercive controllers, they might as well be, because they can do just as much damage to the victim as the ones causing harm on purpose.
One coercive controller is enough to incapacitate a target, but more than one is nearly impossible to overcome. This makes the Double Team extremely effective.
A few examples of the Double Team:
1. An coercively controlling husband tells his deeply religious mother-in-law that his wife isn't performing her wifely duties. When his targeted wife finally discloses to her mother that he's been abusing her, her mother quotes her scriptures about submitting to her husband, leaving the target confused and hopeless.
2. A cult leader is infuriated by a cult member refusing to perform a "required" task and brings his entire inner circle in to decide on a suitable "punishment" for the target's "insubordination". This gang-like response causes extreme isolation for the target and instills terror and dread over ever refusing the leader's demands in the future.
3. A coercively controlling boyfriend strangles his girlfriend, who scratches him in her struggle to get free. When the neighbors call police, the coercive controller remains calm and "rational", while the targeted victim is "hysterical" and can't even remember clearly what happened. Police arrest the woman, charging her with domestic violence assault as the "primary aggressor". The target learns very quickly NOT to call police for help.
4. A thirteen year old girl is befriended on social media by someone she believes is a teenage boy, but is really a 40 year old pedophile. The coercive controller convinces the girl to email him a naked photo of herself. Then he demands another.... and another. When the girl refuses to send any more images, the man threatens to, and then uploads, the photos to social media with her name and address. She is then targeted by numerous boys at school for ridicule, and expelled for her "conduct unbecoming".
5. During a custody battle a coercive controller files multiple false police reports, CPS reports, and contacts members of his ex-wife's family to turn them against her with half-truths and outright lies. The target is then forced to defend herself on multiple fronts, and may even lose custody of her children due to all of the false allegations.
Because the Double Team is often perpetrated by the target's own friends and family, as well as professionals they expected would help them, the attacks by these flying monkeys are also experienced as a Double Cross, or betrayal, by the target.
Have you experienced being Double Teamed by a coercive controller? Do you know anyone else who has been?
As I work with more and more clients who have suffered the devastating impacts of coercive control in their "relationships" I have discovered two more doubles that coercive controllers rely upon to prevent their target's escape from BioPsychoSocial Quicksand™. I have termed them the Double Cross and the Double Team. Today I will cover the Double Cross and in an upcoming blog, I'll delve into the Double Team.
What many people still do not understand is that coercive controllers are, for the most part, fully aware and intentional in their use of coercive control tactics and strategies (an exception is the coercive controller who is experiencing psychosis). Professionals who run batterer intervention programs have known this for decades, because these pros have heard first hand the excuses that coercive controllers use to justify the harm they cause. In this recent article by Dr. Emma Katz, international expert on coercive control and children, she reveals (in their own words) the benefits coercive controllers receive by being coercive and controlling toward others. The list is LONG!
Although a small number of coercive controllers admit to using coercive control intentionally, most will do almost anything to prevent the truth from coming to light. They know that if their target realizes they are harming them on purpose, they aren't likely to stay. So, coercive controllers use a particularly cruel and sadistic type of torture to prevent detection or escape... the Double Cross.
The first phase of the Double Cross is the use of The Mirage™. The Mirage™ is a combination of manipulative kindness, mirroring and future-faking, used most often in the beginning of the "relationship" to convince the target that the coercive controller is their "perfect match" or "soul mate". The Mirage™ is the hook that initially bonds the target to the coercive controller through false promises of love and devotion.
Phase two of the Double Cross is when The Mirage™ is shattered by some type of betrayal trauma. This is often quite shocking to the target, because it is in this moment that reality collides with the beautiful, yet false, perfect future painted by the coercive controller. The coercive controller Double Crosses the target, who, until this point, had no idea that they had been set up to be betrayed.
One example of the Double Cross occurs when the coercive controller goes behind the target's back and has an affair. This is a deep betrayal to the target's perception of the "relationship" and their trust in their "soul mate". And, if this was as far as the betrayal trauma went, it would still be devastating for the targeted victim. However, when a coercive controller has an affair, the Double Cross often extends much further.
Coercive controllers who's infidelity is discovered most often double down (uh oh... another double) on the betrayal and use DARVO to gaslight the victim. They Deny having the affair. They Attack the target by accusing them of "not trusting them", and they Reverse Victim and Offender by playing the victim... leaving the true victim feeling shame and guilt on top of the betrayal they were already burdened with. Not only that, but this gaslighting can lead to cognitive dissonance and extreme confusion. The targeted victim may even start to believe that they are losing their mind, because the coercive controller's gaslighting makes them feel so "crazy".
But coercive controller rarely stop there.
After years of Double Crossing them, the target may wake up (slowly, or often, suddenly) to the incredibly painful reality of this betrayal trauma, and they will probably be very very angry when they do. The coercive controller, not wanting to be held accountable for their betrayal, or the severe trauma it has caused their victim, will likely double down AGAIN, extending their reach to outsiders by employing the last double... the Double Team.
I will cover the Double Team in my next blog post.
Have you experienced the Double Cross in your "relationship"? What secrets was your coercive controller using DARVO and/or outright lies to hide from you?
UPDATE: June 30, 2024 / The BioPsychoSocial Quicksand Model™ is still based on psychological, social and biological aspects of coercive control, but the name has now been shortened to The Quicksand Model™
As I continue research and consultation with other experts in the fields of coercive control within domestic abuse, cults, extremist groups, human trafficking, gangs, trauma, betrayal trauma and coercive violence, I continually tweak my PsychoSocial Quicksand Model™ of coercive control to reflect emerging aspects and missing elements from early conceptualization of the model. The fields of coercive control and trauma, in particular, are growing rapidly, and every day I discover new research that supports the model and brings additional insights that are important to include.
While working with targeted victim/survivors of coercive control I have come to realize that a critical aspect of coercive control is missing from my model's name. I coined the term PsychoSocial Quicksand™ in 2021 to describe the psychological and social tactics & strategies coercive controllers use to trap target/victims in a confusing and terrifying situation, inescapable without assistance. But I left something out, and I don't mind admitting that what I left out is really important. Today I will remedy this exclusion.
In addition to the psychological and social aspects of coercive control that are used to entrap targets, there are also ways that a target's biology is weaponized against them, and is harmed by coercive control.
Civil, criminal and family courts are lagging way behind at incorporating research into their policies and practices. Through research we know that the single incident model of physical violence is NOT working. This perspective lacks the proper framework to protect victims and hold perpetrators accountable, for several reasons. Firstly, our courts see physical violence, and the harm it causes the victim, as the only important aspect of domestic abuse. Many risk assessments focus exclusively on hitting, kicking, slapping, pushing, strangling, "choking", etc. However, this is a very limited perspective and is not in alignment with targeted victim's experiences.
Physical violence does cause physical harm, but what about the coercive controller's tactics that cause physical harm without ever laying a hand on the victim? This is another aspect of the single incident model of physical violence that causes problems. Domestic abuse, and coercive control, are not single incidents. They are patterns of behavior, occurring over time, and including many different types of abuse... not just physical violence. From research we know that psychological abuse, emotional abuse, litigious abuse, financial abuse, weaponizing children etc., all aspects of coercive control, cause physical harm. These harms are caused mainly by the toxic chronic stress created for the victim by the coercive controller.
We have known for decades that trauma and toxic stress damages the body's nervous system, the system that regulates the body's fight, flight, freeze or fawn response. It also negatively impacts our body's immune system, our cognitive abilities, our hormone regulation, and our brain. Toxic stress and trauma increases inflammation in the body, which can increase numerous disease processes, including artery and heart damage and auto-immune diseases. Trauma, which coercive control inevitably causes, if left unaddressed, can cause significant physical changes to the body and brain. These are physical impacts. They are biological harms, and in my opinion, means that coercive control, whether physical contact is made or not, is a form of Physical Violence.
Targeted victim/survivors of coercive control often develop numerous physical health problems from being subjected to the coercive controller's tactics, strategies and betrayal. It is time that we recognize these harmful impacts and begin to hold perpetrators of coercive control responsible for the enormous physical and biological damage they are doing to the target.
With these factors in mind, I would like to announce a name change for my model from The PsychoSocial Quicksand Model™ to The BioPsychoSocial Quicksand™ (BPSQM™). (I have also added two new Doubles, Double Cross and Double Team, which I alluded to in a previous post, and which I will explain in future posts).
If you have been impacted by BioPsychoSocial Quicksand™ resulting from a coercive controller's coercive control, I want you to know that you are not alone, and you are not to blame! Coercive controllers are 100% responsible for their coercive control AND for any and ALL damage caused by their behavior. Just because the court doesn't understand this yet, does not mean that you have to live within their inaccurate reality of the single incident model of physical violence. Instead, you can frame your perspective using the BioPsychoSocial Quicksand Model™ of Coercive Control which, in addition to teaching easy ways to detect and prevent coercive control, also advocates that we #PartnerWithSurvivors and #PivotToThePerpetrator (two concepts incorporated from the Safe & Together Institute's Model).
Stay tune for the new Doubles, Double Cross and Double Team.
The feelings of hopelessness and helplessness caused by coercive control can be overwhelming, anxiety, terror, and depression-inducing, and often result in PTSD or CPTSD.
Coercive control can also be life-threatening and life-altering.
I have known for a long time that coercive control creates suicidal ideation, because I have experienced it myself many times. Every survivor that I have asked about suicidal feelings has indicated that they experienced them, at some point, as well. This happens, not only because of the direct coercive control of the coercive controller, but also because, when the target tries to escape the PsychoSocial Quicksand™ they are trapped in, they often encounter biases and #SystemicCoerciveControl where they are not believed and are instead blamed for their own victimization.
When I was married to a coercive controller, I became so physically, emotionally, psychologically and financially bankrupt from his sadistic and inescapable coercive control that I not only felt suicidal during the day, I also began having vivid nightmares of killing myself. In one particularly terrifying nightmare, I died by suicide in a graphic and bloody way, specifically so that my coercive controller would be forced to clean up the mess. (Yes... being victimized by a coercive controller can make a targeted victim feel angry and outraged that someone who claims to love them is terrorizing them). By this point, it was obvious that he was not going to stop his coercive control, and if I attempted to escape again, he would likely escalate to killing me, (and maybe even my kids).
Once, during this time, while driving, I contemplated swerving off an overpass to escape the PsychoSocial Quicksand™ he had trapped me in. What stopped me was the thought that I might injure or kill innocent people in the process. My life had become so constrained, terrifying and painful, because of my coercive controller's threats, deception and torture, that I was only concerned for the lives of strangers and no longer wanted to live my own. During this time I also came to believe that my children would be better off if I were gone. After all, he would have no desire to torture them as a way to punish me, if I were no longer alive to watch. My life had become a living nightmare, and I was willing to do almost anything to wake up.
Maybe this is how Catherine Youssef Kassenoff felt. Maybe it is how Kellie Sutton felt. Research indicates that domestic abuse / domestic violence strongly correlate with suicidal ideation for targeted victims. Jane Monckton Smith's domestic homicide timeline, used to detect and prevent domestic abuse homicide, ends with stage 8, homicide / suicide. In the cases of suicide, stage 8 often occurs due to systemic failures which cause victims to feel so trapped that they resort to what they perceive as their last remaining #ActOfResistance, death by suicide.
TRIGGER WARNING: Proceed with caution when watching this video. #DomesticAbuseSuicide
#IAmCatherine #IAmKellie
Contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for help in the US. In the UK, click here.
UPDATE: June 30, 2024 / The PsychoSocial Quicksand Model™ is still based on psychological, social and biological aspects of coercive control, but the name has now been shortened to The Quicksand Model™
The terms victim and target will be used interchangeably to indicate that victims are not to blame, and are most often directly targeted by coercive controllers.
Coercive controllers use multiple tactics and strategies of coercive control to dominate their targets using the PsychoSocial Quicksand™. These strategies can be as straight-forward as physically forcing their target into submission, through physical violence, or as subtle and sophisticated as The Mirage™.
The coercive controller's strategic plan to dominate targeted victims using the PsychoSocial Quicksand™ of coercive control include strategic phases called The 5 Es. Don't think of The 5 Es as linear, because their use is much more flexible than that. The coercive controller may use the phases in order, but usually, these strategies are like tools in a coercively controlling toolbox. The coercive controller selects the tool or tools that best fit the task at hand. If one doesn't accomplish what the coercive controller is after, they may switch to another phase seamlessly, even combining phases to overwhelm a particularly strong and savvy target.
1. Ensnare - in this phase the coercive controller ensnares the targeted victim in a trance using The Mirage™ (The Mirage™ is the first half of the Double Cross, which I will cover in a future blog).
2. Entrap - coercive controllers begin introducing, usually slowly, but sometimes quite rapidly, the tactics of Double Standards, Double Binds, Double Speak, Double Think, Double Cross & DARVO. If the coercive controller uses the tactic of Double Team (aka enlisting flying monkeys) early on, it is often done secretly, behind the target's back, and therefore, is invisible (see Double Team explained in a future blog).
3. Exploit - once the target / victim has been ensnared and entrapped, the coercive controller can more easily exploit the victim for their resources, and use of the Doubles and DARVO often increase (this can become incredibly oppressive and, in the extreme, is akin to modern day slavery).
4. Prevent Escape through Escalation - targets often begin to wake up to the fact that they are being exploited, and sometimes resist. This makes it necessary for the coercive controller to escalate their use of the Doubles and DARVO in order to prevent their target from escaping the PsychoSocial Quicksand™, so they can continue to exploit them. If physical violence has not been used by the coercive controller previously, a victim using #ActsOfResistance, can lead a coercive controller to escalate to physical violence. This is especially true if the target separates from the coercive controller. Research shows that separation is the most dangerous time for a targeted victim.
5. Eradicate - if the target somehow manages to escape the PsychoSocial Quicksand™, the coercive controller will either attempt to Re-Entrance the target back into the PsychoSocial Quicksand™ or Eradicate them altogether (eradication correlates with stages 6, 7 & 8 of the 8 stages of domestic violence homicide/suicide).
To ensnare a target, coercive controllers use of three highly manipulative and deceptive tactics: mirroring, future-faking, and manipulative kindness (aka love-bombing). These three tactics, especially when used together, combine to form an illusion intended to override critical thinking and put the target into a trance-like state. I call this combination of tactics The Mirage™. While the target is being ensnared by The Mirage™, they are tricked, as if by magic (neuromagic to be specific) into seeing the coercive controller as their hero and/or soul-mate. The Mirage™ is critical for laying the foundation for the other phases of the coercive controller's plan.
Let's take a look at how The Mirage™ in the Ensnare phase works.
The Mirage™ consists of combining the powerful tactics of mirroring, manipulative kindness (love-bombing) and future-faking, which coercive controllers use to facilitate the first phase of the PsychoSocial Quicksand Model's™ strategy, Ensnare.
During mirroring the coercive controller imitates the "gesture, speech pattern, or attitude" of their target. This tactic is commonly used by salespeople to create rapport, and build trust, with another person quickly. Mirroring helps increase liking, one of Robert Cialdini's seven principles of influence.
"Future faking is when someone uses a detailed vision of the future to facilitate the bonding and connection in a romantic relationship", and Manipulative kindness (aka love-bombing) is the use of deceptive, but seemingly loving, kind and/or extravagant gestures of affection and attention to manipulate or influence the target.
When the coercive controller uses all three together the effect is to hijack the target's imagination, values, goals and dreams to quickly cause that person to believe the coercive controller can be trusted and has their best interests at heart. The mirroring and manipulative kindness create the illusion that they are "meant to be together", and the fake future the coercive controller paints causes the target to lose sight of present reality, ignore red flags, and focus instead on The Mirage™ that is hiding the PsychoSocial Quicksand™ lurking behind it, intentionally made invisible. If you are a highly creative and imaginative right-brained person like myself, you will be especially vulnerable to The Mirage™.
It is critical to understand that, first and foremost, The Mirage™ is an intentional use of tactics, part of an overall strategy, to dominate and subjugate the target. Many people still believe the myth that abusers / coercive controllers are unaware of what they are doing. I believed this myself for a long time. Then, once I started to doubt the myth's validity, I still vacillated between knowing I had been intentionally harmed and questioning that reality. This was mainly because of the constant gaslighting I was experiencing, which created my Double Vision. Even after I was finally sure that what I had experienced had been a strategic and sadistic intentional strategy to entrap and exploit me, I was thrust once again into doubt while conducting my research.
Two of my research participants were not convinced that coercive controllers act with intentionality. They had doubts, and their doubts were reasonable, given their experiences. However, after reviewing the interviews and conducting extensive additional research to definitively answer this question, this is what I discovered. As I discussed in previous blogs, there are two tactics that coercive controllers employ that deceive others, and even themselves, into believing their own lies: Double Think and Double Speak. I believe that the reason why so many targeted victims (and outsiders, including therapists) think that coercive controllers are not fully conscious of their actions is because the coercive controllers have so effectively deceived themselves (through Double Think), that when they lie (Double Speak) about their intentions, they often appear genuinely truthful.
Double think is used by coercive controllers to "know but not know". It is a form of self-denial that permits them to temporarily block off or ignore parts of their knowledge and/or memory and claim they don't exist. Double Speak is then the way that Double Think manifests in their words and behaviors, where coercive controllers contradict themselves and use every manner of smoke-screening to avoid the negative truth about themselves.
Coercive controllers words and actions do not match, and while they may be incredibly adept at concealing it, they are fully aware of their own self "denial".
Coercive controllers appear quite authentic when they employ mirroring, manipulative kindness and future-faking to create The Mirage™ for their targeted victim. These three tactics override the target's defenses by removing, or at least reducing, their critical thinking ability, and leave the victim vulnerable to entrapment, exploitation, escalation, and eventually (if the target attempts or escape), eradication!
Did your coercive controller use The Mirage™ to entrance you into PsychoSocial Quicksand™?