I've covered Double Speak before, but today I'd like to go into this tactic, commonly used by coercive controllers, in a bit more depth.
Double Speak is the Quicksand Model™'s term for the numerous ways that coercive controllers use language to manipulate and deceive others into viewing reality through their distorted lens. Coercive controllers perceive the world, and people in it, through their own unique combination of ideologies, myths, misconceptions, assumptions and biases. Here are some examples:
The biases and assumptions coercive controllers view the world through are like colored glasses that distort their ability to see reality clearly. Take, for example, gender biases (this post will cover gender biases exclusively, however, this is only one type of bias that coercive controllers may exploit). A coercive controller who believes that men are superior to women may have all sorts of unreasonable expectations for people based on their sex. If that coercive controller is male and his partner female, and his partner resists taking on 100% of the household responsibilities, he will perceive his partner as a "problem" or "uncooperative", because looking through the lens of gender bias, he views cleaning, laundry and child care to be "women's work"... and therefore... beneath him. Looking through his distorted glasses, he sees her as failing to "support" him appropriately.
Often the beliefs and assumptions held by coercive controllers are hidden in plain sight. This is because, prior to the relationship, the coercive controller doesn't dare express these sentiments out loud to his partner, because within societies where females are raised to believe they are "equal", outright sexism is often never revealed until AFTER a commitment is obtained from the target.
Coercive controllers take advantage of societal gendered #DoubleStandards, which can be quite easy to exploit without being noticed for what they really are... coercive control.
Following a commitment, this coercive controller with gender biased thinking may use tactics of coercive control to say and do things that he believes are his "right", possibly even his "duty", to keep his partner "in her place". He may tell his wife that she is not living up to her "Godly responsibilities" to "submit to him" as the "man of the house". He may insist on rules that he feels he has the right to set, and dole out consequences for, when not followed. Because his sexist expectations were never expressed to his partner before the commitment, his statement to her are an example of one type of #DoubleSpeak, contradictions/hypocrisy.
This coercive controller is contradicting what he previously led his partner to believe, which was that they were committing to an equally supportive relationship. That is what the target committed to, but not the coercive controller. All of his prior communication to her about being a "feminist" and "supportive of women's rights", all the promises to "honor" and "respect" her, were part of #TheMirage he used to hide his true intentions.
Exploitation of #DoubleStandards can be covert or overt. Overt exploitation of #DoubleStandards sounds like direct judgements and expectations placed on the target. For example, telling his wife that she must have sex when he demands, because it is her "duty" to "meet all of" his "sexual needs". Or, it could be much more subtle and covert, like inferring that he might "wander" if his sexual needs aren't being met. Either way, gendered #DoubleStandards becomes abusive if the target has not granted consent. This is especially true when the target states outright that her partner's demands are unfair, unreasonable and place on undue burden on her, while providing him with unearned advantages.
The exploitation of #DoubleStandards often turns into obvious #DoubleSpeak when the coercive controller receives push back from the target. As long as the target is fulfilling his demands, there is no need for him to force compliance. But once the target attempts to stand up for themselves, to ask for equal treatment, and to expect respect, that is typically when the #DoubleSpeak escalates. Double speak is the use of various types of psychological and verbal warfare, designed to force, coerce or control the target's thoughts, feelings and behaviors... without consent.
So, let's say that the wife in our example above, wishes her husband to share the household load equally, and she tells him so. Below are examples of tactics of #DoubleSpeak that a coercive controller might employ to obtain compliance.
- Distort reality (gaslighting): "I do just as much work around here as you do". This places the target in the position to defend herself. This tactic of #DoubleSpeak is designed to confuse the target, who knows the coercive controller is not telling the truth. It often causes cognitive dissonance, because the target may start to doubt their own experience. However, if the target refuses to be swayed by this specious argument, and presents evidence that his statement is false, the coercive controller might move on to...
- Smoke-screening: "OK... maybe you do more here in the house, but I bring home more money than you do." This form of #DoubleSpeak intends to distract the target from the topic of conversation and shifts the focus onto an irrelevant "fact" (I've placed this is quotes, because often this isn't a true fact, it is more likely a false equivalency). If the target responds by attempting to rationally address the false equivalency and states that "I work just as many hours as you do. The fact that I am not paid adequately for my work, does not make my work any less valuable than yours. Now let's get back to the topic at hand" the coercive controller may switch to...
- Playing the Victim: "Is it too much to ask to come home to a clean house and a satisfying meal on the table after my long hard day at work?" This is another way to change the subject, avoid accountability, and place all of the responsibility on the target's shoulders. The implication is that she is not being a "good wife". If the target falls for this ruse and determines to "support" her husband more, her life force and autonomy are reduced, and she may spend considerable time and energy, either trying to meet his unreasonable and unfair expectations, or get caught in a cycle of trying to prove that he is not carrying his weight. Either way... it entraps her in BioPsychoSocial Quicksand.
NOTE: Playing the victim can become even more confusing and disorienting when the coercive controller accuses the target of "playing the victim". This is a real mind f*%k, because the target actually IS being victimized. However, by accusing her of having a "victim mindset", she feels forced to "prove" her innocence. This is often used in public, in combination with the #DoubleTeam, which can cause the people around the couple to throw up their hands and declare this is a "toxic tango", "dysfunctional relationship" or "he said - she said". The coercive controller has succeeded in avoiding responsibility for his abuse, mutualizing it.
The previous tactics of #DoubleSpeak can escalate to a strategic #DoubleTeam if the cycle keeps repeating with no resolution (which it likely will, since it is so grossly unfair to one party). If the coercive controller is religious (or even if he isn't, but believes pretending his is will get him what he wants) and has a fundamentalist view of The Bible, he may quote scripture to her, as a means of coercing her to comply through the use of guilt and shame. And, if he and his wife are members of a religious organization, he may even #DoubleTeam his wife by getting church leaders, who also believe in male superiority and entitlement, to take his side and encourage his re-framing of her desire for equality, as "sinful".
He may speak to the couple's pastor behind his wife's back, and infer to him that she is "not supporting him". If the pastor holds the same types of gendered biases as the coercive controller, or if he simply doesn't ask clarifying questions to uncover the coercive controller's manipulation, this tactic may bring the pastor on board, and the wife may be called in for a conversation about her "duties as a Christian wife", or some other such patriarchal and misogynistic BS. However, if the pastor isn't swayed by the attempt to #DoubleTeam her, the coercive controller may throw in a manipulative false inference that his wife has "mental heath issues", which are making the marriage unsustainable. Even if the pastor doesn't completely buy the coercive controller's story, these inferences will plant seeds for the future, should the target ever attempt to divorce the coercive controller.
If none of the coercive controller's tactics to re-establish his dominance through #DoubleSpeak and #DoubleTeam, and his wife continues to request a fairer arrangement for household duties, the odds begin to increase significantly that he will escalate to the use of physical and or sexual violence. This show of power and force, using the #DoubleCross, is likely to cause the target considerable fear. Following a physical show of force, a target is far less likely to stand up for themselves, because they now have a visceral experience of how dangerous it is to defy their husband, and they will want to avoid that in the future.
A savvy coercive controller may realize that an escalation to physical and/or sexual violence has the potential to cause the target to flee, so this is often when they will employ preemptive measures, and attempt to re-establish #TheMirage of a perfect future together by apologizing. This is not a sincere apology, and there are often clues that it's insincere. One clue is more #DoubleSpeak. "I am sorry that you got hurt, but I just love you so much, it makes me crazy thinking that you might ever leave me." She may not have even been thinking she would leave him over this, but by setting her up to feel sorry for him, and/or convincing her that he will "change", he increases the chances that she won't exercise her right to leave, and will remain trapped in the quicksand.
As you can see, coercive controllers move from one double to the next quite naturally. These tactics can overlap and blend into one another. If #DoubleStandards don't work, they might move to #DoubleSpeak. If #DoubleSpeak fails they may try placing their partner in a painful #DoubleBind by threatening to take the kids if she ever leaves him. #DoubleBinds grow stronger when the coercive controller enlists others and #DoubleTeams her... overwhelming her ability to respond and protect herself. #DARVO is commonly employed during a #DoubleTeam to make the coercive controller seem like the victim, and all of these tactics of coercive control will eventually lead to #DoubleVision for the target, whose reality becomes a terrifying and torturous house of mirrors which reflects the coercive controller's contempt toward her for failing to prop up his false reality and adequately comply with his unreasonable and unfair demands.
