As I work with more and more clients who have suffered the devastating impacts of coercive control in their "relationships" I have discovered two more doubles that coercive controllers rely upon to prevent their target's escape from BioPsychoSocial Quicksand™. I have termed them the Double Cross and the Double Team. Today I will cover the Double Cross and in an upcoming blog, I'll delve into the Double Team.
What many people still do not understand is that coercive controllers are, for the most part, fully aware and intentional in their use of coercive control tactics and strategies (an exception is the coercive controller who is experiencing psychosis). Professionals who run batterer intervention programs have known this for decades, because these pros have heard first hand the excuses that coercive controllers use to justify the harm they cause. In this recent article by Dr. Emma Katz, international expert on coercive control and children, she reveals (in their own words) the benefits coercive controllers receive by being coercive and controlling toward others. The list is LONG!
Although a small number of coercive controllers admit to using coercive control intentionally, most will do almost anything to prevent the truth from coming to light. They know that if their target realizes they are harming them on purpose, they aren't likely to stay. So, coercive controllers use a particularly cruel and sadistic type of torture to prevent detection or escape... the Double Cross.
The first phase of the Double Cross is the use of The Mirage™. The Mirage™ is a combination of manipulative kindness, mirroring and future-faking, used most often in the beginning of the "relationship" to convince the target that the coercive controller is their "perfect match" or "soul mate". The Mirage™ is the hook that initially bonds the target to the coercive controller through false promises of love and devotion.
Phase two of the Double Cross is when The Mirage™ is shattered by some type of betrayal trauma. This is often quite shocking to the target, because it is in this moment that reality collides with the beautiful, yet false, perfect future painted by the coercive controller. The coercive controller Double Crosses the target, who, until this point, had no idea that they had been set up to be betrayed.
One example of the Double Cross occurs when the coercive controller goes behind the target's back and has an affair. This is a deep betrayal to the target's perception of the "relationship" and their trust in their "soul mate". And, if this was as far as the betrayal trauma went, it would still be devastating for the targeted victim. However, when a coercive controller has an affair, the Double Cross often extends much further.
Coercive controllers who's infidelity is discovered most often double down (uh oh... another double) on the betrayal and use DARVO to gaslight the victim. They Deny having the affair. They Attack the target by accusing them of "not trusting them", and they Reverse Victim and Offender by playing the victim... leaving the true victim feeling shame and guilt on top of the betrayal they were already burdened with. Not only that, but this gaslighting can lead to cognitive dissonance and extreme confusion. The targeted victim may even start to believe that they are losing their mind, because the coercive controller's gaslighting makes them feel so "crazy".
But coercive controller rarely stop there.
After years of Double Crossing them, the target may wake up (slowly, or often, suddenly) to the incredibly painful reality of this betrayal trauma, and they will probably be very very angry when they do. The coercive controller, not wanting to be held accountable for their betrayal, or the severe trauma it has caused their victim, will likely double down AGAIN, extending their reach to outsiders by employing the last double... the Double Team.
I will cover the Double Team in my next blog post.
Have you experienced the Double Cross in your "relationship"? What secrets was your coercive controller using DARVO and/or outright lies to hide from you?
