Coercive control is a complex, nuanced, and dangerous pattern of abuses of power. It is the pattern of behavior that establishes and maintains oppression, and it is often said to be invisible in plain sight. In order to be able to see the signs of coercive control, we need to understand the biological, psychological, and social forces that are keeping coercive control invisible.
In today's blog post, I'll be discussing the initial trio of signs that constitute The Mirage™ in coercive control. Recognizing these preliminary indicators may not prevent you from being targeted, but it could potentially help you from becoming ensnared, and eventually entrapped, in the bio-psycho-social quicksand of a coercive controller.
The Quicksand Model™ of Coercive Control has been meticulously crafted to expose the often unseen signs of coercive control, making the invisible visible. ECCUSA's training programs featuring The Quicksand Model™ aim to unveil the triad of aspects that coercive controllers frequently combine to ensure their targets are entranced, disoriented, and blind to the looming threat posed by the controller.
The image above illustrates how The Mirage™ encompasses three potent tactics of coercive control: manipulative kindness (also known as love-bombing), future-faking, and mirroring. Each of these tactics, individually, has the potential to destabilize a target, but when they converge, they form a formidable, almost irresistible force. That is, of course, unless you're equipped with the knowledge to identify these signs of coercive control even as they're being employed against you.
Do you see the signs of manipulative kindness, mirroring and future-faking in the image? Let's cover each one individually.
Frequently, the initial strategy deployed by a coercive controller is mirroring. "Mirroring is a behavior where one person subconsciously replicates the movements, speech patterns, or attitudes of another." Mirroring isn't inherently negative: many of us use it to some degree in our interactions. However, when wielded by a coercive controller, mirroring isn't a subconscious act, but a calculated tactic. This intent becomes apparent when we realize that it's employed to connect with the target, with the sole aim of ensnaring and eventually trapping them in the treacherous quicksand of coercive control.
Following the mirroring phase, the manipulative kindness tactic, often termed as "love-bombing", is typically set into motion. Once the target experiences a bond with the coercive controller, fostered by the use of mirroring, they might begin to notice the subsequent signs indicating that they are being subjected to coercive control. These signs can be categorized into four primary indicators: 1. The declaration of "soulmate status", 2. The showering of exaggerated compliments, 3. The giving of gifts, and 4. An onslaught of constant communication.
The concluding element of The Mirage™ is the tactic known as future-faking. Concurrent with mirroring tactics and the deployment of manipulative kindness, the coercive controller meticulously observes the target's values, aspirations, dreams, and more. They then craft a picture-perfect future, adeptly aligning it with the idealized version in the target's mind. This constructed future becomes almost irresistible for the target, as it resonates with their deepest desires and aspirations.
Coercive controllers utilize these tactics across various environments to construct The Mirage™. The more subtly and consistently these strategies are implemented, the more potent The Mirage™ becomes, masking the perilous quicksand of coercive control lurking behind its seductive surface.
Revisit the illustration provided above. Can you identify the signs of coercive control manifesting in the image of The Mirage™? Reflecting on your past, can you recall instances of these signs being used to strategically manipulate you or someone you know?
Seeing The Mirage™ unfold before you doesn't necessarily make it easy to resist, especially during significant life transitions. Instances such as departing for college, enduring a breakup, suffering a substantial loss, coping with financial instability, or relocating can heighten your susceptibility to becoming a target of coercive control.
Coercive controllers wield The Mirage™ not solely against their primary targets, but also extend its reach to professionals, friends, and family members. This becomes particularly evident when the primary victim (target) recognizes the harm being inflicted upon them and seeks help.
Professionals including therapists, attorneys, judges, police officers, and child protective services workers are not exempt from The Mirage's™ lure. They are just as susceptible as any other individual to the manipulative tactics and deceptions designed to obscure the reality of coercive control.
If you ever find yourself inexplicably drawn to someone unfamiliar, or if you're unable to articulate what you find attractive about them, recall the signs of coercive control we've discussed today that compose a coercive controller's Mirage™. And remember, if you detect a mirage masking the quicksand of coercive control, don't merely walk away - sprint in the opposite direction! The life you save could very well be your own!
In my upcoming blog post, I'll delve into detailed examples illustrating how coercive controllers employ The Mirage™ to orchestrate a 'Double Team' effect. They manipulate professionals, bystanders, friends, and family members into forming a united front against their primary victim, isolating them and, sometimes, terrorizing them further. Stay tuned for this insightful exploration.
NOTE: I will refer to the other person in the "relationship" as the "partner" for this post. I do so to avoid assuming that you are entangled with a coercive controller. If/when you determine that is the case, the words "relationship" and "partner" no longer apply. Coercively controlling abusers are not partners, nor is the situation they have entrapped their target into a "relationship."
Have you ever wondered if your partner/ex-partner was right about you being the abusive one?
The question "Am I the problem?" can haunt those of us with empathy, those of us who are introspective about our behavior and our impact on others... especially the person we married and/or hoped to build a life with. In this blog post I offer some basic questions to ask yourself and some general characteristics of coercive controllers, and the pattern of coercive control, to shed light on what is happening, and who is, in fact, responsible.
Critical Truths About Coercive Control used by Coercive Controllers (abusers and narcissists)
1. The vast majority of abusers know exactly what they are doing. Coercive control, in particular, is a pattern of behavior designed to establish and maintain domination and oppression. When the goal is domination, the tactics and strategies are always instrumental and purposeful, and they are never "love."
2. Women entrapped in coercive control reported higher use of physical violence themselves while entrapped by coercive control. Sometimes, behaviors that might seem aggressive or controlling can actually be acts of resistance. In contexts where power imbalances exist, individuals may resist coercive control in ways that appear confrontational. "How He Wins" discusses how those subjected to coercive control may fight back as a means of reclaiming autonomy, not as a way of exerting dominance.
Moreover, "A Typology of Domestic Violence" identifies violent resistance as a response to ongoing abuse. This form of resistance isn't about control but survival. It’s crucial to differentiate between actions taken to protect oneself and those intended to dominate another.
3. Coercive controllers use DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) to confuse their targets and cause them to doubt their own thoughts and feelings. This provides a way to constrain their target's behavior, limiting their autonomy and liberty.
4. Double Cross: Coercive controllers, such as abusers or narcissists, betray their targets through actions like infidelity, financial abuse, and exploitation, undermining trust and destabilizing the relationship from the start. Love-bombing (aka manipulative kindness) early on can set a target up to believe the coercive controller has their best interests at heart. Later, when the coercive controller becomes abusive, overcoming the cognitive bias this intentionally created can be challenging.
5. Double Team: Once exposed, these coercive controllers manipulate the narrative by turning friends and family against the target, playing the victim, and leaving the target isolated and vulnerable. When false allegations are filed with The Court, child protective services and/or law enforcement, institutional betrayal can result in CPIT (court and perpetrator induced trauma). (The significant negative impact of the Double Team on the target is illustrated by the image above).
6. Another common intentional strategy of coercive controllers is to use Double Speak, weaponizing language against their entrapped target. Through manipulation and deception the abusive and/or narcissistic coercive controller sows the seeds of self-doubt in their target. This makes the target more vulnerable, decreasing the likelihood they will escape the quicksand of coercive control.
Questions for Reflection / Understanding the Unlikelihood that it is You
There are various tactics that abusive coercive controllers use to undermine their victims' autonomy, often making them feel responsible for the controller's behavior. However, you don't need to know every tactic to address the questions in this blog. With an understanding of the intentional nature of coercive control, consider these questions to help you reflect on the reality of your "relationship."
1. Do you believe your needs are more important than your partner's? If the answer is no, you are likely not the abusive one.
2. Do you behave in ways that suggest you feel superior to your partner? If the answer is no, you are likely not the abusive one.
3. Do you expect your partner to meet your demands while refusing to hold yourself to the same standards? Coercive controllers exploit Double Standards for unearned privileges. If you hold yourself to the same (or higher) expectations as your partner, you are likely not the coercive controller.
4. When you feel guilty about your behavior, are these behaviors typical for you in relationships? If you usually act calmly and compassionately but find yourself yelling or slamming doors with this partner, your anger more likely indicates entrapment in an unhealthy, abusive situation rather than a character flaw.
5. When you acted out, was it to establish dominance or avoid being dominated? If you yelled to be heard because your partner twists your words or if you reacted violently after a betrayal, your behavior may be an act of resistance rather than an attempt to control or abuse.
6. Do you care about other's thoughts, feelings and well-being as well as your own? If so, you are probably NOT the abuser, the narcissist or the coercive controller.
Conclusion
The journey toward understanding and growth is ongoing. Remember, the willingness to question oneself and seek change is a powerful testament to your capacity for growth and empathy. By continuing to reflect and learn, you contribute to a world where relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding.
If you find yourself behaving in ways that are uncharacteristic with a specific person or certain individuals who exhibit coercively controlling behaviors, your "bad behavior" is likely situational rather than a reflection of your true character. This suggests that you may be in a coercively controlling environment. The sooner you can remove yourself from this situation, the sooner you can begin to rebuild your self-esteem, autonomy, dignity, and freedom.
NOTE: Leaving a coercive controller can be very dangerous, so it's important to seek help before doing so. Numerous resources are available on ECCUSA's resource page to assist you.
I've covered Double Speak before, but today I'd like to go into this tactic, commonly used by coercive controllers, in a bit more depth.
Double Speak is the Quicksand Model™'s term for the numerous ways that coercive controllers use language to manipulate and deceive others into viewing reality through their distorted lens. Coercive controllers perceive the world, and people in it, through their own unique combination of ideologies, myths, misconceptions, assumptions and biases. Here are some examples:
The biases and assumptions coercive controllers view the world through are like colored glasses that distort their ability to see reality clearly. Take, for example, gender biases (this post will cover gender biases exclusively, however, this is only one type of bias that coercive controllers may exploit). A coercive controller who believes that men are superior to women may have all sorts of unreasonable expectations for people based on their sex. If that coercive controller is male and his partner female, and his partner resists taking on 100% of the household responsibilities, he will perceive his partner as a "problem" or "uncooperative", because looking through the lens of gender bias, he views cleaning, laundry and child care to be "women's work"... and therefore... beneath him. Looking through his distorted glasses, he sees her as failing to "support" him appropriately.
Often the beliefs and assumptions held by coercive controllers are hidden in plain sight. This is because, prior to the relationship, the coercive controller doesn't dare express these sentiments out loud to his partner, because within societies where females are raised to believe they are "equal", outright sexism is often never revealed until AFTER a commitment is obtained from the target.
Coercive controllers take advantage of societal gendered #DoubleStandards, which can be quite easy to exploit without being noticed for what they really are... coercive control.
Following a commitment, this coercive controller with gender biased thinking may use tactics of coercive control to say and do things that he believes are his "right", possibly even his "duty", to keep his partner "in her place". He may tell his wife that she is not living up to her "Godly responsibilities" to "submit to him" as the "man of the house". He may insist on rules that he feels he has the right to set, and dole out consequences for, when not followed. Because his sexist expectations were never expressed to his partner before the commitment, his statement to her are an example of one type of #DoubleSpeak, contradictions/hypocrisy.
This coercive controller is contradicting what he previously led his partner to believe, which was that they were committing to an equally supportive relationship. That is what the target committed to, but not the coercive controller. All of his prior communication to her about being a "feminist" and "supportive of women's rights", all the promises to "honor" and "respect" her, were part of #TheMirage he used to hide his true intentions.
Exploitation of #DoubleStandards can be covert or overt. Overt exploitation of #DoubleStandards sounds like direct judgements and expectations placed on the target. For example, telling his wife that she must have sex when he demands, because it is her "duty" to "meet all of" his "sexual needs". Or, it could be much more subtle and covert, like inferring that he might "wander" if his sexual needs aren't being met. Either way, gendered #DoubleStandards becomes abusive if the target has not granted consent. This is especially true when the target states outright that her partner's demands are unfair, unreasonable and place on undue burden on her, while providing him with unearned advantages.
The exploitation of #DoubleStandards often turns into obvious #DoubleSpeak when the coercive controller receives push back from the target. As long as the target is fulfilling his demands, there is no need for him to force compliance. But once the target attempts to stand up for themselves, to ask for equal treatment, and to expect respect, that is typically when the #DoubleSpeak escalates. Double speak is the use of various types of psychological and verbal warfare, designed to force, coerce or control the target's thoughts, feelings and behaviors... without consent.
So, let's say that the wife in our example above, wishes her husband to share the household load equally, and she tells him so. Below are examples of tactics of #DoubleSpeak that a coercive controller might employ to obtain compliance.
- Distort reality (gaslighting): "I do just as much work around here as you do". This places the target in the position to defend herself. This tactic of #DoubleSpeak is designed to confuse the target, who knows the coercive controller is not telling the truth. It often causes cognitive dissonance, because the target may start to doubt their own experience. However, if the target refuses to be swayed by this specious argument, and presents evidence that his statement is false, the coercive controller might move on to...
- Smoke-screening: "OK... maybe you do more here in the house, but I bring home more money than you do." This form of #DoubleSpeak intends to distract the target from the topic of conversation and shifts the focus onto an irrelevant "fact" (I've placed this is quotes, because often this isn't a true fact, it is more likely a false equivalency). If the target responds by attempting to rationally address the false equivalency and states that "I work just as many hours as you do. The fact that I am not paid adequately for my work, does not make my work any less valuable than yours. Now let's get back to the topic at hand" the coercive controller may switch to...
- Playing the Victim: "Is it too much to ask to come home to a clean house and a satisfying meal on the table after my long hard day at work?" This is another way to change the subject, avoid accountability, and place all of the responsibility on the target's shoulders. The implication is that she is not being a "good wife". If the target falls for this ruse and determines to "support" her husband more, her life force and autonomy are reduced, and she may spend considerable time and energy, either trying to meet his unreasonable and unfair expectations, or get caught in a cycle of trying to prove that he is not carrying his weight. Either way... it entraps her in BioPsychoSocial Quicksand.
NOTE: Playing the victim can become even more confusing and disorienting when the coercive controller accuses the target of "playing the victim". This is a real mind f*%k, because the target actually IS being victimized. However, by accusing her of having a "victim mindset", she feels forced to "prove" her innocence. This is often used in public, in combination with the #DoubleTeam, which can cause the people around the couple to throw up their hands and declare this is a "toxic tango", "dysfunctional relationship" or "he said - she said". The coercive controller has succeeded in avoiding responsibility for his abuse, mutualizing it.
The previous tactics of #DoubleSpeak can escalate to a strategic #DoubleTeam if the cycle keeps repeating with no resolution (which it likely will, since it is so grossly unfair to one party). If the coercive controller is religious (or even if he isn't, but believes pretending his is will get him what he wants) and has a fundamentalist view of The Bible, he may quote scripture to her, as a means of coercing her to comply through the use of guilt and shame. And, if he and his wife are members of a religious organization, he may even #DoubleTeam his wife by getting church leaders, who also believe in male superiority and entitlement, to take his side and encourage his re-framing of her desire for equality, as "sinful".
He may speak to the couple's pastor behind his wife's back, and infer to him that she is "not supporting him". If the pastor holds the same types of gendered biases as the coercive controller, or if he simply doesn't ask clarifying questions to uncover the coercive controller's manipulation, this tactic may bring the pastor on board, and the wife may be called in for a conversation about her "duties as a Christian wife", or some other such patriarchal and misogynistic BS. However, if the pastor isn't swayed by the attempt to #DoubleTeam her, the coercive controller may throw in a manipulative false inference that his wife has "mental heath issues", which are making the marriage unsustainable. Even if the pastor doesn't completely buy the coercive controller's story, these inferences will plant seeds for the future, should the target ever attempt to divorce the coercive controller.
If none of the coercive controller's tactics to re-establish his dominance through #DoubleSpeak and #DoubleTeam, and his wife continues to request a fairer arrangement for household duties, the odds begin to increase significantly that he will escalate to the use of physical and or sexual violence. This show of power and force, using the #DoubleCross, is likely to cause the target considerable fear. Following a physical show of force, a target is far less likely to stand up for themselves, because they now have a visceral experience of how dangerous it is to defy their husband, and they will want to avoid that in the future.
A savvy coercive controller may realize that an escalation to physical and/or sexual violence has the potential to cause the target to flee, so this is often when they will employ preemptive measures, and attempt to re-establish #TheMirage of a perfect future together by apologizing. This is not a sincere apology, and there are often clues that it's insincere. One clue is more #DoubleSpeak. "I am sorry that you got hurt, but I just love you so much, it makes me crazy thinking that you might ever leave me." She may not have even been thinking she would leave him over this, but by setting her up to feel sorry for him, and/or convincing her that he will "change", he increases the chances that she won't exercise her right to leave, and will remain trapped in the quicksand.
As you can see, coercive controllers move from one double to the next quite naturally. These tactics can overlap and blend into one another. If #DoubleStandards don't work, they might move to #DoubleSpeak. If #DoubleSpeak fails they may try placing their partner in a painful #DoubleBind by threatening to take the kids if she ever leaves him. #DoubleBinds grow stronger when the coercive controller enlists others and #DoubleTeams her... overwhelming her ability to respond and protect herself. #DARVO is commonly employed during a #DoubleTeam to make the coercive controller seem like the victim, and all of these tactics of coercive control will eventually lead to #DoubleVision for the target, whose reality becomes a terrifying and torturous house of mirrors which reflects the coercive controller's contempt toward her for failing to prop up his false reality and adequately comply with his unreasonable and unfair demands.